Rancho
Rancho

Rancho

The Plug
The Plug

The Plug

When I Get Home
When I Get Home

When I Get Home

tonys
tonys

tonys

food game
 food game

food game

give her
 give her

give her

romos
 romos

romos

tony
 tony

tony

no
 no

no

rushing
 rushing

rushing

🔥 | Latest

kicker: let-the-phoenix-fly: malfkoys my cat has been fucking playing me for weeks, playing me like a fucking harp. I feed my cat twice a day with prescribed diet food because she's really fat and doesn't know when she's full so she never stops eating usually when I come home from class she is all over me like the whore of babylon all over me putting on a pity party and trying to get me to sin and give her more food but no matter what I only feed her the amount of food for her prescribed diet, but after awhile i started noticing that she wasn't loosing weight at all and was actually just getting fatter, so I called the vet pissed and i'm just like the fuck she's still getting fat. so I switched her to another diet food and that still didn't work and I was so confused and frustrated like what is wrong with this cat? so a couple weeks go by and I start noticing that I go through bags of food really fast like a week fast and I remembered how I thought that was so weird like l God honest could not figure out why the food disappeared so fast (my former naive and innocernt mind) well y'all ready here's the fucking climax-the other day my class was canceled and I come downstairs at like noonish and do you know what I see when I get down? I see my fucking cat sitting in the food bin. with my own two eyes I see her sitting in the fucking food bin. my spoiled ass cat has been eating like a fucking queen and living it the fuck up while I'm in class and then pretends like she's hungry when i get home. and you know what's the real kicker? when she leaves the lid gets knocked shut which is why i never caught onto her scam. she's fucking been working the system and playing the food game right under my fucking nose like i want to scream and now I have to call the vet and the morning and explain to him how, a well educated adult in college. got one-upped in intelligence by my fucking cat Read the whole thing what kind of posts do u want cause my stats been like bye bye
kicker: let-the-phoenix-fly:
 malfkoys
 my cat has been fucking playing me for weeks, playing me like a fucking
 harp. I feed my cat twice a day with prescribed diet food because she's
 really fat and doesn't know when she's full so she never stops eating
 usually when I come home from class she is all over me like the whore of
 babylon all over me putting on a pity party and trying to get me to sin and
 give her more food but no matter what I only feed her the amount of food
 for her prescribed diet, but after awhile i started noticing that she wasn't
 loosing weight at all and was actually just getting fatter, so I called the vet
 pissed and i'm just like the fuck she's still getting fat. so I switched her to
 another diet food and that still didn't work and I was so confused and
 frustrated like what is wrong with this cat? so a couple weeks go by and I
 start noticing that I go through bags of food really fast like a week fast and
 I remembered how I thought that was so weird like l God honest could not
 figure out why the food disappeared so fast (my former naive and innocernt
 mind) well y'all ready here's the fucking climax-the other day my class
 was canceled and I come downstairs at like noonish and do you know
 what I see when I get down? I see my fucking cat sitting in the food bin.
 with my own two eyes I see her sitting in the fucking food bin. my spoiled
 ass cat has been eating like a fucking queen and living it the fuck up while
 I'm in class and then pretends like she's hungry when i get home. and you
 know what's the real kicker? when she leaves the lid gets knocked shut
 which is why i never caught onto her scam. she's fucking been working
 the system and playing the food game right under my fucking nose like i
 want to scream and now I have to call the vet and the morning and explain
 to him how, a well educated adult in college. got one-upped in
 intelligence by my fucking cat
 Read the whole thing
what kind of posts do u want cause my stats been like bye bye

what kind of posts do u want cause my stats been like bye bye

kicker: justlookatthosesausages: invisiblespork: ohhowlucky: danteogodofsoup: killbenedictcumberbatch: standupcomedyblog: John Mulaney | The Salt Pepper Diner THE BEST JOKE IN EXISTENCE GOD I JUST TOLD SOMEONE ABOUT THIS STORY This is one of the best pieces of comedy that I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing. I love this. I have been looking for this online for awhile. [Audio transcription: I wanted to tell you one story. Uh. This is the story of the best meal I’ve ever had in my life, okay. Happened when I was eleven years old in Chicago, IL where I grew up. I went to a place called the Salt Pepper Diner, uh, with my best friend John. We walk into the diner one day, and they had a jukebox there, okay? And the jukebox was three plays for a dollar. So we put in 7 dollars and selected 21 plays of of Tom Jones’s What’s New Pussycat. And then we ordered and waited.  Here’s the thing about when, uh, What’s New Pussycat plays over and over and over and over and over again. The second time it plays, your immediate thought is not ‘hey someone’s playing What’s New Pussycat again.’ It’s ‘hey, What’s New Pussycat is a lot longer than I first thought. The third time it plays you’re thinking maybe someone’s playing What’s New Pussycat again. The fourth time it plays you’re either thinking ‘whoa someone just played What’s New Pussycat FOUR TIMES or at least someone played it twice, and it’s a really long song.’ So the fifth time is the kicker, alright?  Now, John and I we’re watching the entire diner at this point, alright? Most people have gotten wind as to what’s going on. And we’re staring at this one guy and he’s sitting in like a booth with his stupid kids jumping around, and he’s like staring at his coffee cup like this, and he’s been onto us since the beginning. And he’s sitting there, and his hand is shaking, and he had this look on his face like, aw, like he had just gotten his thirty day chip from anger management. And he’s staring like this, and the fourth song fades out. It’s dead quiet. Then, I don’t know if you know this, but the song begins very quietly… BWAAAH BWAAAAAH WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT and he goes GOD DAMN IT and pounds on the table, silverware flies everywhere, and it was fantastic. But a word about my best friend John and what a genius he was because when we first walked into the diner, okay? When we first got there and I’m punching in the What’s New Pussycats alright? I’ve punched in like 7 at this point then John says to me ‘hey hey hey before you punch in another What’s New Pussycat let’s drop in one It’s Not Unusual.’ Oh yes. That is when the afternoon went from good to great. After seven What’s New Pussycats. In a row - It played seven times. Suddenly - Dum da dum, IT’S NOT UNUSUAL and the sigh of relief that swept through the diner. People were so happy. It was like the liberation of France. You know for years scientists have wondered can you make grown men and women weep tears of joy by playing Tom Jones’s It’s Not Unusual and the answer is yes you can. Provided that it is preceded by seven What’s New Pussycats. It’s true. Dead honest. And on the other hand. When we went back. Holy shit. It’s Not Unusual fade out. It’s dead quiet. BWAAAH BWAAAAH WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT people went insane. People went out of their minds. No one could handle it. No one could handle it. And they were surrounded by this seemingly indifferent staff that was just like ‘yup some crap as always.’  They unplugged the jukebox after eleven plays. And that was the best meal I ever had.] reblogging again coz this time it has audio transcription (bless you) and it’s still forever hilarious omg
kicker: justlookatthosesausages:
invisiblespork:

ohhowlucky:

danteogodofsoup:

killbenedictcumberbatch:

standupcomedyblog:

John Mulaney | The Salt  Pepper Diner

THE BEST JOKE IN EXISTENCE

GOD I JUST TOLD SOMEONE ABOUT THIS STORY

This is one of the best pieces of comedy that I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing. I love this. I have been looking for this online for awhile.

[Audio transcription: I wanted to tell you one story. Uh. This is the story of the best meal I’ve ever had in my life, okay. Happened when I was eleven years old in Chicago, IL where I grew up. I went to a place called the Salt  Pepper Diner, uh, with my best friend John. We walk into the diner one day, and they had a jukebox there, okay? And the jukebox was three plays for a dollar. So we put in 7 dollars and selected 21 plays of of Tom Jones’s What’s New Pussycat. And then we ordered and waited. 
Here’s the thing about when, uh, What’s New Pussycat plays over and over and over and over and over again. The second time it plays, your immediate thought is not ‘hey someone’s playing What’s New Pussycat again.’ It’s ‘hey, What’s New Pussycat is a lot longer than I first thought. The third time it plays you’re thinking maybe someone’s playing What’s New Pussycat again. The fourth time it plays you’re either thinking ‘whoa someone just played What’s New Pussycat FOUR TIMES or at least someone played it twice, and it’s a really long song.’ So the fifth time is the kicker, alright? 
Now, John and I we’re watching the entire diner at this point, alright? Most people have gotten wind as to what’s going on. And we’re staring at this one guy and he’s sitting in like a booth with his stupid kids jumping around, and he’s like staring at his coffee cup like this, and he’s been onto us since the beginning. And he’s sitting there, and his hand is shaking, and he had this look on his face like, aw, like he had just gotten his thirty day chip from anger management. And he’s staring like this, and the fourth song fades out. It’s dead quiet. Then, I don’t know if you know this, but the song begins very quietly…
BWAAAH BWAAAAAH WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT and he goes GOD DAMN IT and pounds on the table, silverware flies everywhere, and it was fantastic. But a word about my best friend John and what a genius he was because when we first walked into the diner, okay? When we first got there and I’m punching in the What’s New Pussycats alright? I’ve punched in like 7 at this point then John says to me ‘hey hey hey before you punch in another What’s New Pussycat let’s drop in one It’s Not Unusual.’ 
Oh yes. That is when the afternoon went from good to great. After seven What’s New Pussycats. In a row - It played seven times. Suddenly - Dum da dum, IT’S NOT UNUSUAL and the sigh of relief that swept through the diner. People were so happy. It was like the liberation of France. You know for years scientists have wondered can you make grown men and women weep tears of joy by playing Tom Jones’s It’s Not Unusual and the answer is yes you can. Provided that it is preceded by seven What’s New Pussycats. It’s true. Dead honest.
And on the other hand. When we went back. Holy shit. It’s Not Unusual fade out. It’s dead quiet. BWAAAH BWAAAAH WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT people went insane. People went out of their minds. No one could handle it. No one could handle it. And they were surrounded by this seemingly indifferent staff that was just like ‘yup some crap as always.’ 
They unplugged the jukebox after eleven plays. And that was the best meal I ever had.]

reblogging again coz this time it has audio transcription (bless you) and it’s still forever hilarious omg

justlookatthosesausages: invisiblespork: ohhowlucky: danteogodofsoup: killbenedictcumberbatch: standupcomedyblog: John Mulaney | The...

kicker: MEMO ORANGE COUNTY DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION March 29,2018 18-73 To Orange County Board of Education From: Ronald D. Wenkart General Counsel Re: California Healthy Youth Act Members of the Board have asked several questions about the California Healthy Youth Act. Attached is a comprehensive legal opinion discussing in detail the legal issues involved In short, Education Code section 51938 allows a parent or guardian to excuse their child from all or part of comprehensive sexual health education and HIV education. However, Education Code section 51932(b) states that section 51938 (and the chapter entitled the California Healthy Youth Act) does not apply to instruction, materials, or programming that discusses gender, gender identity, gender expression, sexual orientation, discrimination, harassment, bullying, intimidation, relationships, or family and does not discuss human reproductive organs and their functions Therefore, parents who disagree with the instructional materials related to gender, gender identity, gender expression and sexual orientation may not excuse their children from this instruction. However, parents are free to advise their children that they disagree with some or all of the information presented in the instructional program and express their views on these subjects to their children. Al Mijares, Ph.D. Nina Boyd cc: RDW: tnm <p><a href="https://saxonwarcrimes.tumblr.com/post/173078698151/yourunclejingo-tz-me-libertarirynn" class="tumblr_blog">saxonwarcrimes</a>:</p> <blockquote><p><a href="http://yourunclejingo.tumblr.com/post/173076595904/tz-me-libertarirynn" class="tumblr_blog">yourunclejingo</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="https://tz-me.tumblr.com/post/173076374007/libertarirynn" class="tumblr_blog">tz-me</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="https://libertarirynn.tumblr.com/post/173076095994/take-your-kids-out-of-public-schools" class="tumblr_blog">libertarirynn</a>:</p> <blockquote><p>Take👏🏾your👏🏾kids👏🏾out👏🏾of👏🏾public👏🏾schools👏🏾</p></blockquote> <p>Board of education? You mean indoctrination! Fuck'em!</p> </blockquote> <p>I just love reading examples of how poorly educated people in “Education” are. The kicker is that one of these whores is a PhD. <br/></p> </blockquote> <p>„However, parents are free to…”</p><p>Yea, they have no authority to tell parents what they can and can’t do regarding the education of their children.</p></blockquote> <p>Exactly. That line alone is intensely creepy. The state institution telling the parents what they’re “allowed“ to teach their children.</p><p><br/></p><p>Seriously fuck state mandated education six ways to Sunday.</p>
kicker: MEMO
 ORANGE COUNTY DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
 March 29,2018
 18-73
 To Orange County Board of Education
 From: Ronald D. Wenkart
 General Counsel
 Re:
 California Healthy Youth Act
 Members of the Board have asked several questions about the California Healthy
 Youth Act. Attached is a comprehensive legal opinion discussing in detail the legal
 issues involved
 In short, Education Code section 51938 allows a parent or guardian to excuse
 their child from all or part of comprehensive sexual health education and HIV education.
 However, Education Code section 51932(b) states that section 51938 (and the chapter
 entitled the California Healthy Youth Act) does not apply to instruction, materials, or
 programming that discusses gender, gender identity, gender expression, sexual
 orientation, discrimination, harassment, bullying, intimidation, relationships, or family
 and does not discuss human reproductive organs and their functions
 Therefore, parents who disagree with the instructional materials related to gender,
 gender identity, gender expression and sexual orientation may not excuse their children
 from this instruction. However, parents are free to advise their children that they disagree
 with some or all of the information presented in the instructional program and express
 their views on these subjects to their children.
 Al Mijares, Ph.D.
 Nina Boyd
 cc:
 RDW: tnm
<p><a href="https://saxonwarcrimes.tumblr.com/post/173078698151/yourunclejingo-tz-me-libertarirynn" class="tumblr_blog">saxonwarcrimes</a>:</p>

<blockquote><p><a href="http://yourunclejingo.tumblr.com/post/173076595904/tz-me-libertarirynn" class="tumblr_blog">yourunclejingo</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><a href="https://tz-me.tumblr.com/post/173076374007/libertarirynn" class="tumblr_blog">tz-me</a>:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><a href="https://libertarirynn.tumblr.com/post/173076095994/take-your-kids-out-of-public-schools" class="tumblr_blog">libertarirynn</a>:</p>
<blockquote><p>Take👏🏾your👏🏾kids👏🏾out👏🏾of👏🏾public👏🏾schools👏🏾</p></blockquote>

<p>Board of education? You mean indoctrination! Fuck'em!</p>
</blockquote>
<p>I just love reading examples of how poorly educated people in “Education” are. The kicker is that one of these whores is a PhD. <br/></p>
</blockquote>
<p>„However, parents are free to…”</p><p>Yea, they have no authority to tell parents what they can and can’t do regarding the education of their children.</p></blockquote>

<p>Exactly. That line alone is intensely creepy. The state institution telling the parents what they’re “allowed“ to teach their children.</p><p><br/></p><p>Seriously fuck state mandated education six ways to Sunday.</p>

<p><a href="https://saxonwarcrimes.tumblr.com/post/173078698151/yourunclejingo-tz-me-libertarirynn" class="tumblr_blog">saxonwarcrimes</a...

kicker: tumblr Follow bitchhpunk debrides I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object (say bye bus!) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it I'm glad there's a teacher version of accidentally called teacher mom when I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call people my lord" mugsandpugs1 One time during family prayer, dad began: "our father who art in heaven, American Airlines, how can I help you? thomrainierskies One time my dad went to the White Castle drive-thru and the lady (who was supposed to say Welcome to White Castle, what's your crave?) asked, "Welcome to White Castle, what's your problem? She apologized profusely while my dad proceeded to lose his shit laughing mirab3lle Yesterday I went to Wendy's and the girl said "Welcome to McDonalds" and then just sighed Somebody in the elevator asked me what floor I lived on, and I answered please open your books to page eight", and we just kind of stared at each other blinking i work retail full time and my script gets frequently messy - ill ask the same question twice, or say "$2.60 is your total while handing back their change, or say "how are you doing today?" instead of "have a good day! like name it ive bungled it but anyway, this lady came thru my line buying a book and the review on the front said: 'few books are well written, fewer still are important, and this book manages to be both as i handed her the bag i was trying to say thanks, youre all set and instead my brain mashed up the review and i said thanks, youre important there was this short pause in which i tried to figure out what the fuck id just said she blinked and then said "oh thank youl youre important tool the real kicker was one of my coworkers. when i was relating this story later his response was "at least you said something NICE. last week i accidentally combined youre welcome and 'no problem into youre a problem" one time, since I used to work as a daycare teacher with preschoolers, i was on my college campus in my gym, and someone was running in the weight room and tripped over a machine and fell, and instead of offering to help, I just stared and said, This is why we use our walking feet. we both sat there for a while until the guy nodded and said, yeah, okay, i should've done that." gin-and-eschatonic I've spent a good chunk of time working in kitchens, so I still will reflexively say shit like "behind and "coming around" as I maneuver through spaces and around people which, actually not such a bad thing. I'm a big guy and can come across as imposing pretty easily. The position calls can help defuse that, and also help avoid collisions Less good is the time my brain was half functional and I let slip a coming with a knife" while grocery shopping. THAT took some explaining I work in an office and send tens of emails to customers every day. Once my Hello mum, as agreed, please find attached the ticked you requested. Thanks, Alex narwhalsarefalling i worked as a camp counselor, and i would have the kids tap somewhere on my legs if they needed something because im a pretty tall dude. today asked my cat if he needed something sugar4ndroses I have woken up in a cold sweat saying is that for here or to go? only-in-movies Conversely, in my old job I rarely answered outside calls so was only used to picking up to colleagues in random ways. So one day while fixing something at a different desk I answered what I thought was an internal call with "how do, I have usurped admin only to realise it was external and a board member on the line The CEO banned me from the phones while trying not to laugh I have worked in a variety of café/restaurant jobs, and in my most recent cafe job people were allowed to bring their leashed dogs through the line with them. One day someone came through the line with an adorable pup, and when the dog looked up at me as I was checking them out, I said "would you like that dog for here or to go? Source debrides 438,007 notes Brain glitch stories
kicker: tumblr
 Follow
 bitchhpunk
 debrides
 I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I
 accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object (say bye
 bus!) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it
 I'm glad there's a teacher version of accidentally called teacher mom
 when I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call
 people my lord"
 mugsandpugs1
 One time during family prayer, dad began: "our father who art in heaven,
 American Airlines, how can I help you?
 thomrainierskies
 One time my dad went to the White Castle drive-thru and the lady (who was
 supposed to say Welcome to White Castle, what's your crave?)
 asked, "Welcome to White Castle, what's your problem?
 She apologized profusely while my dad proceeded to lose his shit laughing
 mirab3lle
 Yesterday I went to Wendy's and the girl said "Welcome to McDonalds" and then
 just sighed
 Somebody in the elevator asked me what floor I lived on, and I answered
 please open your books to page eight", and we just kind of stared at each other
 blinking
 i work retail full time and my script gets frequently messy - ill ask the same
 question twice, or say "$2.60 is your total while handing back their change, or
 say "how are you doing today?" instead of "have a good day! like name it ive
 bungled it
 but anyway, this lady came thru my line buying a book and the review on the
 front said: 'few books are well written, fewer still are important, and this book
 manages to be both
 as i handed her the bag i was trying to say thanks, youre all set and instead my
 brain mashed up the review and i said thanks, youre important
 there was this short pause in which i tried to figure out what the fuck id just said
 she blinked and then said "oh thank youl youre important tool
 the real kicker was one of my coworkers. when i was relating this story later his
 response was "at least you said something NICE. last week i accidentally
 combined youre welcome and 'no problem into youre a problem"
 one time, since I used to work as a daycare teacher with preschoolers, i was on
 my college campus in my gym, and someone was running in the weight room
 and tripped over a machine and fell, and instead of offering to help, I just stared
 and said, This is why we use our walking feet.
 we both sat there for a while until the guy nodded and said, yeah, okay, i
 should've done that."
 gin-and-eschatonic
 I've spent a good chunk of time working in kitchens, so I still will reflexively say
 shit like "behind and "coming around" as I maneuver through spaces and
 around people
 which, actually not such a bad thing. I'm a big guy and can
 come across as
 imposing pretty easily. The position calls can help defuse that, and also help
 avoid collisions
 Less good is the time my brain was half functional and I let slip a coming with a
 knife" while grocery shopping. THAT took some explaining
 I work in an office and send tens of emails to customers every day. Once my
 Hello mum, as agreed, please find attached the ticked you requested. Thanks,
 Alex
 narwhalsarefalling
 i worked as a camp counselor, and i would have the kids tap somewhere on my
 legs if they needed something because im a pretty tall dude. today asked my cat
 if he needed something
 sugar4ndroses
 I have woken up in a cold sweat saying is that for here or to go?
 only-in-movies
 Conversely, in my old job I rarely answered outside calls so was only used to
 picking up to colleagues in random ways. So one day while fixing something at a
 different desk I answered what I thought was an internal call with "how do, I have
 usurped admin only to realise it was external and a board member on the line
 The CEO banned me from the phones while trying not to laugh
 I have worked in a variety of café/restaurant jobs, and in my most recent cafe job
 people were allowed to bring their leashed dogs through the line with them.
 One day someone came through the line with an adorable pup, and when the
 dog looked up at me as I was checking them out, I said "would you like that dog
 for here or to go?
 Source debrides
 438,007 notes
Brain glitch stories

Brain glitch stories

kicker: tumblr Follow bitchhpunk debrides I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object(say bye bus) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it autisticcole I'm glad there's a teacher version of accidentally called teacher 'mom when I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call people my lord One time during family prayer, dad began: our father who art in heaven, American Airlines, how can I help you? One time my dad went to the White Castle drive-thru and the lady (who was supposed to say Welcome to White Castle, what's your crave?) asked, "Welcome to White Castle, what's your problem? She apologized profusely while my dad proceeded to lose his shit laughing. Yesterday I went to Wendy's and the girl said "Welcome to McDonalds" and then just sighed Somebody in the elevator asked me what floor I lived on, and I answered please open your books to page eight, and we just kind of stared at each other, blinking work retail full time and my script gets frequently messy -ill ask the same question twice, or say $2.60 is your total" while handing back their change, or say "how are you doing today?" instead of have a good day! like name it ive bungled it but anyway, this lady came thru my line buying a book and the review on the front said: Tew books are well wntten, fewer still are important, and this book manages to be both as i handed her the bag i was trying to say "thanks, youre all set and instead my brain mashed up the review and i said thanks, youre important there was this short pause in which i tried to figure out what the fuck id just said. she blinked and then said oh thank you! youre important too! the real kicker was one of my coworkers. when i was relating this story later his response was "at least you said something NICE last week i accidentally combined youre welcome' and 'no problem' into 'youre a problem agrestenoir one time, since I used to work as a daycare teacher with preschoolers, i was on my college campus in my gym, and someone was running in the weight room and tripped over a machine and fell, and instead of offering to help, I just stared and said, This is why we use our walking feet we both sat there for a while until the guy nodded and said, yeah, okay, i should ve done that. I've spent a good chunk of time working in kitchens, so I still will reflexivey say shit like behind" and coming around as I maneuver through spaces and around people. Which, actually, not such a bad thing. I'm a big guy and can come across as mposing pretty easily. The position calls can help defuse that, and also help avoid collisions. Less good is the time my brain was half functional and I let slip a coming with a knife" while grocery shopping. THAT took some explaining I work in an office and send tens of emails to customers every day. Once my Hello mum, as agreed, please find attached the ticked you requested. Thanks Alex i worked as a camp counselor, and i would have the kids tap somewhere on my legs if they needed something because im a pretty tall dude. today asked my cat t he needed something I have woken up in a cold sweat saying is that for here or to go? only-in-movies Conversely, in my old job I rarely answered outside calls so was only used to picking up to colleagues in random ways. So one day while fixing something at a different desk I answered what I thought was an internal call with "how do, I have usurped admin" only to realise it was external and a board member on the line. The CEO banned me from the phones while trying not to laugh. I have worked in a variety of caté/restaurant jobs, and in my most recent cafe job people were allowed to bring their leashed dogs through the line with them. One day someone came through the line with an adorable pup, and when the dog looked up at me as I was checking them out, I said "would you like that dog for here or to go? only-in-movies Conversely, in my old job I rarely answered outside calls so was only used to picking up to colleagues in random ways. So one day while fixing something at a different desk I answered what I thought was an internal call with "how do, I have usurped admin" only to realise it was external and a board member on the line. The CEO banned me from the phones while trying not to laugh I have worked in a variety of caté/restaurant jobs, and in my most recent cafe job people were allowed to bring their leashed dogs through the line with them One day someone came through the line with an adorable pup, and when the dog looked up at me as I was checking them out, I said "would you like that dog for here or to go? Source debrides 438,007 notes Sometimes your brain just glitches
kicker: tumblr
 Follow
 bitchhpunk
 debrides
 I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I
 accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object(say bye
 bus) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it
 autisticcole
 I'm glad there's a teacher version of accidentally called teacher 'mom
 when I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call
 people my lord
 One time during family prayer, dad began: our father who art in heaven,
 American Airlines, how can I help you?
 One time my dad went to the White Castle drive-thru and the lady (who was
 supposed to say Welcome to White Castle, what's your crave?)
 asked, "Welcome to White Castle, what's your problem?
 She apologized profusely while my dad proceeded to lose his shit laughing.
 Yesterday I went to Wendy's and the girl said "Welcome to McDonalds" and then
 just sighed
 Somebody in the elevator asked me what floor I lived on, and I answered
 please open your books to page eight, and we just kind of stared at each other,
 blinking
 work retail full time and my script gets frequently messy -ill ask the same
 question twice, or say $2.60 is your total" while handing back their change, or
 say "how are you doing today?" instead of have a good day! like name it ive
 bungled it
 but anyway, this lady came thru my line buying a book and the review on the
 front said: Tew books are well wntten, fewer still are important, and this book
 manages to be both
 as i handed her the bag i was trying to say "thanks, youre all set and instead my
 brain mashed up the review and i said thanks, youre important
 there was this short pause in which i tried to figure out what the fuck id just said.
 she blinked and then said oh thank you! youre important too!
 the real kicker was one of my coworkers. when i was relating this story later his
 response was "at least you said something NICE last week i accidentally
 combined youre welcome' and 'no problem' into 'youre a problem
 agrestenoir
 one time, since I used to work as a daycare teacher with preschoolers, i was on
 my college campus in my gym, and someone was running in the weight room
 and tripped over a machine and fell, and instead of offering to help, I just stared
 and said, This is why we use our walking feet
 we both sat there for a while until the guy nodded and said, yeah, okay, i
 should ve done that.
 I've spent a good chunk of time working in kitchens, so I still will reflexivey say
 shit like behind" and coming around as I maneuver through spaces and
 around people.
 Which, actually, not such a bad thing. I'm a big guy and can come across as
 mposing pretty easily. The position calls can help defuse that, and also help
 avoid collisions.
 Less good is the time my brain was half functional and I let slip a coming with a
 knife" while grocery shopping. THAT took some explaining
 I work in an office and send tens of emails to customers every day. Once my
 Hello mum, as agreed, please find attached the ticked you requested. Thanks
 Alex
 i worked as a camp counselor, and i would have the kids tap somewhere on my
 legs if they needed something because im a pretty tall dude. today asked my cat
 t he needed something
 I have woken up in a cold sweat saying is that for here or to go?
 only-in-movies
 Conversely, in my old job I rarely answered outside calls so was only used to
 picking up to colleagues in random ways. So one day while fixing something at a
 different desk I answered what I thought was an internal call with "how do, I have
 usurped admin" only to realise it was external and a board member on the line.
 The CEO banned me from the phones while trying not to laugh.
 I have worked in a variety of caté/restaurant jobs, and in my most recent cafe job
 people were allowed to bring their leashed dogs through the line with them.
 One day someone came through the line with an adorable pup, and when the
 dog looked up at me as I was checking them out, I said "would you like that dog
 for here or to go?
 only-in-movies
 Conversely, in my old job I rarely answered outside calls so was only used to
 picking up to colleagues in random ways. So one day while fixing something at a
 different desk I answered what I thought was an internal call with "how do, I have
 usurped admin" only to realise it was external and a board member on the line.
 The CEO banned me from the phones while trying not to laugh
 I have worked in a variety of caté/restaurant jobs, and in my most recent cafe job
 people were allowed to bring their leashed dogs through the line with them
 One day someone came through the line with an adorable pup, and when the
 dog looked up at me as I was checking them out, I said "would you like that dog
 for here or to go?
 Source debrides
 438,007 notes
Sometimes your brain just glitches

Sometimes your brain just glitches