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    Apparently, Bitch, and Dude: Hacker Scripts
 Based on a true story:
 build engineer has left for another company. The dude was literally living inside the terminal. You know,
 Xxx: OK, so, our
 that type of a guy who loves Vim, creates diagrams in Dot and writes wiki-posts in Markdown... If something anything
 - requires more than 90 seconds of his time, he writes a script to automate that.
 xxx: So we're sitting here, looking through his, uhm, "legacy"
 xxx: You're gonna love this
 xxx: smack-my-bitch-up.sh - sends a text message "late at work" to his wife (apparently). Automatically picks reasons
 from an array of strings, randomly. Runs inside a cron-job. The job fires if there are active SSH-sessions on the server
 after 9pm with his login.
 xxx: kumar-asshole.sh scans the inbox for emails from "Kumar" (a DBA at our clients). Looks for keywords like "help"
 "trouble", "sorry" etc. If keywords are found - the script SSHes into the clients server and rolls back the staging database
 to the latest backup. Then sends a reply "no worries mate, be careful next time".
 xxx: hangover.sh another cron-job that is set to specific dates. Sends automated emails like "not feeling well/gonna
 work from home" etc. Adds a random "reason" from another predefined array of strings. Fires if there are no interactive
 sessions on the server at 8:45am.
 xxx: (and the oscar goes to) fucking-coffee.sh - this one waits exactly 17 seconds (!), then opens a telnet session to
 our coffee-machine (we had no frikin idea the coffee machine is on the network, runs linux and has a TCP socket up and
 running) and sends something like sys brew. Turns out this thing starts brewing a mid-sized half-caf latte and waits
 another 24 () seconds before pouring it into a cup. The timing is exactly how long it takes to walk to the machine from
 the dudes desk.
 xxx: holy sh*t I'm keeping those
 XX:
A true programmer
    

        
        
        
        
        
        
        
        
    

    

        

            
            

                
                Apparently, Bitch, and Dude: Hacker Scripts
 Based on a true story:
 build engineer has left for another company. The dude was literally living inside the terminal. You know,
 Xxx: OK, so, our
 that type of a guy who loves Vim, creates diagrams in Dot and writes wiki-posts in Markdown... If something anything
 - requires more than 90 seconds of his time, he writes a script to automate that.
 xxx: So we're sitting here, looking through his, uhm, "legacy"
 xxx: You're gonna love this
 xxx: smack-my-bitch-up.sh - sends a text message "late at work" to his wife (apparently). Automatically picks reasons
 from an array of strings, randomly. Runs inside a cron-job. The job fires if there are active SSH-sessions on the server
 after 9pm with his login.
 xxx: kumar-asshole.sh scans the inbox for emails from "Kumar" (a DBA at our clients). Looks for keywords like "help"
 "trouble", "sorry" etc. If keywords are found - the script SSHes into the clients server and rolls back the staging database
 to the latest backup. Then sends a reply "no worries mate, be careful next time".
 xxx: hangover.sh another cron-job that is set to specific dates. Sends automated emails like "not feeling well/gonna
 work from home" etc. Adds a random "reason" from another predefined array of strings. Fires if there are no interactive
 sessions on the server at 8:45am.
 xxx: (and the oscar goes to) fucking-coffee.sh - this one waits exactly 17 seconds (!), then opens a telnet session to
 our coffee-machine (we had no frikin idea the coffee machine is on the network, runs linux and has a TCP socket up and
 running) and sends something like sys brew. Turns out this thing starts brewing a mid-sized half-caf latte and waits
 another 24 () seconds before pouring it into a cup. The timing is exactly how long it takes to walk to the machine from
 the dudes desk.
 xxx: holy sh*t I'm keeping those
 XX:
A true programmer
                
            

            
            
A true programmer

            
            
        

    



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                



            

        

        
        

            

                




    Birthday, Comfortable, and Confidence: reddit-tales
 What has been your worst
 "nice guy" experience?
 So, possibly one of the coolest things I've
 ever seen. I mean you know how you hear the
 "women want him, men want to *be* him"
 stuff in old movies? Well I'm a man and by
 *god* I wanted to be this guy. Anyway!
 I'm having dinner with my girlfriend at
 the time, and behind us are a couple on a
 not going well. Guy was being
 I
 rather
 inappropriate comments, the girl doesn't
 look at all comfortable.
 The girl finishes her appetiser really quickly
 my guess is she wanted to get it over with.
 Guy proceeds to comment on it and says
 "well, least I know you can swallow right?"
 Loudly
 Girl goes red and tells him that isn't
 appropriate, he literally waves his hand in
 a "shoo" type motion and says "oh calm
 down I was going to find out in a few hours
 anyway"
 I missed her exact re
 as she moved to a
 hushed tone, but it was fairly obvious what
 was being said-fuck no, fuck off, fuck this.
 He responded with "sweetheart I picked
 lost the
 colour in her face and said nothing.
 No. No. Fuck no. I'm one of those "get
 involved" type of people and there is no way
 I'm sitting here watching this go down. I get
 up. I don't know what I'm going to do, but
 I'm 23, fighting fit and happy to put that
 motherfucker through a wall. I may have had
 a slight temper in my youth. But anyway.
 I was halfway out of my chair when a hand
 came down on my shoulder and I look up
 to this mid-50s but super fit guy who says
 "Easy. I've got this one son". Absolute, total
 confidence in his voice.. so seeing as my
 current plan amounted to "stab him in the
 neck" and I'm already thinking maybe that's
 not the best idea, I sit down.
 He walks over, grabs a nearby chair, flips it
 around and sits down with the couple. Then..
 he pulls out his police ID and puts it on the
 table. Now the guy doesn't have any colour in
 his face
 Cop: "So, I'm quietly celebrating my
 daughters birthday with my family when I
 distinctly hear you threaten this young lady,
 would you care to explain yourself?"
 Guy: "I, ah, well, um, you see.
 Cop: "That's what I thought. Now see, we
 take a *very* dim view of that kind of thing,
 so right now I'm deciding if I want to have
 some of my buddies come pick you up"
 Guy: "oh no well that..."
 Cop: "But that would disrupt everyone's
 dinner, so how about you hand me your ID,
 me, the dn't want yhe staff here and
 settle your bill., the full bill now, this young
 lady shouldn't go hungry on account of your
 poor behaviour. Or we can go with the first
 option, I'll leave it up to you.
 Guy: "No no! That's perfectly fine!" 1*hands
 over ID, gets up and walks very quickly in the
 direction of the counter
 Cop: while writing down the guys details
 1* "Sorry about that miss, I hope I'm not
 intruding it just seemed like you could use
 some help. Oh and don't worry, if you want
 to pursue this further I'll have some of the
 boys pick him up on his way home, we can
 definitely take this further.
 Girl: "No, thank you so much, I wanted to run
 out 30 minutes ago but he drove me here".
 Cop: *shifts from hardarse cop to
 comforting father figure in about half a
 second* "Well I'm here with my daughter,
 she's about your age, perhaps you'd like to
 finish your meal with us? We can run you
 home afterwards if you'd like, unless you'd
 prefer to call someone else?"
 Girl: "Oh.. that would be really nice.. thankyou
 so much!
 *guy returns, so does the hardarse cop*
 Guy: "Uh so, I've paid the bill, if I could have
 back.".
 my
 Cop: "There you go. now I have your details
 right here so I *highly* recommend you
 don't go near or contact this young lady ever
 again.
 Guy: "Yes yes of course, I'm so sorry!"
 The quy pretty much fled the restaurant, the
 qirl went and sat with the cop and his family
 and by the time we left they were still sitting
 around talking and laughing about random
 crap.
 It was hands down the best way I have ever
 seen anybody handle any situation, ever. That
 cop is my hero.
 malicemanaged
 Dude. I hope that man has a great rest of his
 life.
Wholesome cop via /r/wholesomememes https://ift.tt/2SkCLRT
    

        
        
        
        
        
        
        
        
    

    

        

            
            

                
                Birthday, Comfortable, and Confidence: reddit-tales
 What has been your worst
 "nice guy" experience?
 So, possibly one of the coolest things I've
 ever seen. I mean you know how you hear the
 "women want him, men want to *be* him"
 stuff in old movies? Well I'm a man and by
 *god* I wanted to be this guy. Anyway!
 I'm having dinner with my girlfriend at
 the time, and behind us are a couple on a
 not going well. Guy was being
 I
 rather
 inappropriate comments, the girl doesn't
 look at all comfortable.
 The girl finishes her appetiser really quickly
 my guess is she wanted to get it over with.
 Guy proceeds to comment on it and says
 "well, least I know you can swallow right?"
 Loudly
 Girl goes red and tells him that isn't
 appropriate, he literally waves his hand in
 a "shoo" type motion and says "oh calm
 down I was going to find out in a few hours
 anyway"
 I missed her exact re
 as she moved to a
 hushed tone, but it was fairly obvious what
 was being said-fuck no, fuck off, fuck this.
 He responded with "sweetheart I picked
 lost the
 colour in her face and said nothing.
 No. No. Fuck no. I'm one of those "get
 involved" type of people and there is no way
 I'm sitting here watching this go down. I get
 up. I don't know what I'm going to do, but
 I'm 23, fighting fit and happy to put that
 motherfucker through a wall. I may have had
 a slight temper in my youth. But anyway.
 I was halfway out of my chair when a hand
 came down on my shoulder and I look up
 to this mid-50s but super fit guy who says
 "Easy. I've got this one son". Absolute, total
 confidence in his voice.. so seeing as my
 current plan amounted to "stab him in the
 neck" and I'm already thinking maybe that's
 not the best idea, I sit down.
 He walks over, grabs a nearby chair, flips it
 around and sits down with the couple. Then..
 he pulls out his police ID and puts it on the
 table. Now the guy doesn't have any colour in
 his face
 Cop: "So, I'm quietly celebrating my
 daughters birthday with my family when I
 distinctly hear you threaten this young lady,
 would you care to explain yourself?"
 Guy: "I, ah, well, um, you see.
 Cop: "That's what I thought. Now see, we
 take a *very* dim view of that kind of thing,
 so right now I'm deciding if I want to have
 some of my buddies come pick you up"
 Guy: "oh no well that..."
 Cop: "But that would disrupt everyone's
 dinner, so how about you hand me your ID,
 me, the dn't want yhe staff here and
 settle your bill., the full bill now, this young
 lady shouldn't go hungry on account of your
 poor behaviour. Or we can go with the first
 option, I'll leave it up to you.
 Guy: "No no! That's perfectly fine!" 1*hands
 over ID, gets up and walks very quickly in the
 direction of the counter
 Cop: while writing down the guys details
 1* "Sorry about that miss, I hope I'm not
 intruding it just seemed like you could use
 some help. Oh and don't worry, if you want
 to pursue this further I'll have some of the
 boys pick him up on his way home, we can
 definitely take this further.
 Girl: "No, thank you so much, I wanted to run
 out 30 minutes ago but he drove me here".
 Cop: *shifts from hardarse cop to
 comforting father figure in about half a
 second* "Well I'm here with my daughter,
 she's about your age, perhaps you'd like to
 finish your meal with us? We can run you
 home afterwards if you'd like, unless you'd
 prefer to call someone else?"
 Girl: "Oh.. that would be really nice.. thankyou
 so much!
 *guy returns, so does the hardarse cop*
 Guy: "Uh so, I've paid the bill, if I could have
 back.".
 my
 Cop: "There you go. now I have your details
 right here so I *highly* recommend you
 don't go near or contact this young lady ever
 again.
 Guy: "Yes yes of course, I'm so sorry!"
 The quy pretty much fled the restaurant, the
 qirl went and sat with the cop and his family
 and by the time we left they were still sitting
 around talking and laughing about random
 crap.
 It was hands down the best way I have ever
 seen anybody handle any situation, ever. That
 cop is my hero.
 malicemanaged
 Dude. I hope that man has a great rest of his
 life.
Wholesome cop via /r/wholesomememes https://ift.tt/2SkCLRT
                
            

            
            
Wholesome cop via /r/wholesomememes https://ift.tt/2SkCLRT