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Alive, Beard, and Children: feniczoroark: minority-cubed: princemetalthunder: skrill-cosby: drucila616: How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!_______________________________ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: What year?WITNESS: Every year._____________________________________ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?WITNESS: Forty-five years._________________________________ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget..ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me?_________________________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid____________________________________________ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?____________________________________________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death..ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beardATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male._____________________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight._________________________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral…_________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PMATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________And last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No..ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. oh my god these are great fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes The last one is how I feel about all my schoolmates I can feel the frustration
Alive, Beard, and Children: feniczoroark:

minority-cubed:

princemetalthunder:

skrill-cosby:

drucila616:

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!_______________________________ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: What year?WITNESS: Every year._____________________________________ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?WITNESS: Forty-five years._________________________________ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget..ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me?_________________________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid____________________________________________ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?____________________________________________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death..ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beardATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male._____________________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight._________________________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral…_________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PMATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________And last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No..ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

oh my god these are great

fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes


The last one is how I feel about all my schoolmates

I can feel the frustration

feniczoroark: minority-cubed: princemetalthunder: skrill-cosby: drucila616: How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?These are from a...

College, Creepy, and Dude: If you don't teach your child to obey Jesus, the devil will teach them evolution, sexuality psychology, witchcraft thefingerfuckingfemalefury: fire-ghoul: seekerofshores: grumpyrpgreviews: prokopetz: cheesedeity: prokopetz: bear-eggs: geekandmisandry: Wow, I had no idea Satan was so knowledgeable and generous with his time. #TeamSatan Can satan come teach a class at my school Amusingly, among the Western European demon-conjuring cults of the 16th Century, many demons were greatly valued for their skill as teachers, often to the point that grimoires would place greater emphasis on the subjects each demon was qualified to teach than on their supernatural powers. For example, this guy? Teaches moral philosophy. And this creepy dude? He’s your astronomy professor. Seriously, look this stuff up some time - it’s wild. I now want a comic or cartoon series about demon teachers and their human students. Not sure if it should be college or high school. “Aw, man - I got Professor Lionwheel. I hear if you fail his exams, he eats your legs.” “Yeah, but he’s supposed to be really good about keeping regular office hours.” “Huh. Sort of a trade-off, really.” What do you have to do to get a scholarship? I can’t believe you called Buer, Great President of Hell, Professor Lionwheel lmfao. this whole post I’M LATE FOR MY FIRST DAY AT DEMON SCHOOL
College, Creepy, and Dude: If you don't teach your
 child to obey Jesus, the
 devil will teach them
 evolution, sexuality
 psychology, witchcraft
thefingerfuckingfemalefury:
fire-ghoul:

seekerofshores:

grumpyrpgreviews:

prokopetz:

cheesedeity:

prokopetz:

bear-eggs:

geekandmisandry:

Wow, I had no idea Satan was so knowledgeable and generous with his time.
#TeamSatan

Can satan come teach a class at my school

Amusingly, among the Western European demon-conjuring cults of the 16th Century, many demons were greatly valued for their skill as teachers, often to the point that grimoires would place greater emphasis on the subjects each demon was qualified to teach than on their supernatural powers.
For example, this guy?
Teaches moral philosophy.
And this creepy dude?
He’s your astronomy professor.
Seriously, look this stuff up some time - it’s wild.

I now want a comic or cartoon series about demon teachers and their human students. Not sure if it should be college or high school.

“Aw, man - I got Professor Lionwheel. I hear if you fail his exams, he eats your legs.”
“Yeah, but he’s supposed to be really good about keeping regular office hours.”
“Huh. Sort of a trade-off, really.”

What do you have to do to get a scholarship?

I can’t believe you called Buer, Great President of Hell, Professor Lionwheel lmfao. 

this whole post

I’M LATE FOR MY FIRST DAY AT DEMON SCHOOL

thefingerfuckingfemalefury: fire-ghoul: seekerofshores: grumpyrpgreviews: prokopetz: cheesedeity: prokopetz: bear-eggs: geekandmisand...

God, Head, and Oh My God: Instructions: YOU MATCHED WITH ON 11/05/2019 ose any topic and I'll give you a pick up line related to it 1) You add potatoes to medium pot & fill with water until all potatoes are covered and static Yesterday 15:11 2) Only season with salt as extra nando's creamy mash x 3) Use the hob to bring to the boil & reduce to a simmer until potatoes are tender. After roughly 15 minutes remove heat from pan Yesterday 18:17 Ingredients: 500g Gold Potatoes (peeled and chopped into large chunks) 1/2 stick unsalted butter,+2 tablespoons, divided 1/2 head of garlic (cloves smashed) 1/3 cup warm heavy cream 14 cup sour cream 14 tsp. salt 4) After, melt butter on a low heat or semi 5) Remove as milk solids rise to the top. Be careful as these may 6) Easily add garlic & cook on low for 15 minutes then remove the garlic area Instructions: 7) Visibly check potatoes and drain thoroughly so they are not too thiclk 1) You add potatoes to medium pot & fill with water until all potatoes are covered and static 8) Essentially, while potatoes are hot, pass through a potato ricer and add back to pot above 2) Only season with salt as extra for you 8) Essentially, while potatoes are hot, pass through a potato ricer and add back to pot above 12) Upon transferring to a serving dish, melt remaining butter too 9) Rinse in melted butter, salt, heavy cream & sour cream carefully 13) Time to pour over potatoes then garnish with paprika, just like on the menu 10) Yielding a hand held mixer beat the potatoes on high until potatoes are smooth and fluffy also 14) Eat and enjoy, makes a great treat Read the first letter of each of the 14 instructions from the Nando's creamy mash recipe 11) Carefully season with salt and pepper, with the perfect amount Yesterday 23:45 12) Upon transferring to a serving dish, melt remaining butter too oh my god that's amazing 13) Time to pour over potatoes then garnish with paprika, just like on the menu Today 05:49 Now read the last letter of each of the 14 instructions 14) Eat and enjoy, makes a great treat Read the first letter of each of the 14 instructions from the Nando's creamy mash recipe Today 08:59 after that, yeah you can The effort I put into this seemed to pay off
God, Head, and Oh My God: Instructions:
 YOU MATCHED WITH ON 11/05/2019
 ose any topic and I'll give you a
 pick up line related to it
 1) You add potatoes to medium
 pot & fill with water until all
 potatoes are covered and static
 Yesterday 15:11
 2) Only season with salt as extra
 nando's creamy mash x
 3) Use the hob to bring to the boil
 & reduce to a simmer until
 potatoes are tender. After roughly
 15 minutes remove heat from pan
 Yesterday 18:17
 Ingredients:
 500g Gold Potatoes (peeled and
 chopped into large chunks)
 1/2 stick unsalted butter,+2
 tablespoons, divided
 1/2 head of garlic (cloves
 smashed)
 1/3 cup warm heavy cream
 14 cup sour cream
 14 tsp. salt
 4) After, melt butter on a low heat
 or semi
 5) Remove as milk solids rise to
 the top. Be careful as these may
 6) Easily add garlic & cook on low
 for 15 minutes then remove the
 garlic area
 Instructions:
 7) Visibly check potatoes and
 drain thoroughly so they are not
 too thiclk
 1) You add potatoes to medium
 pot & fill with water until all
 potatoes are covered and static
 8) Essentially, while potatoes are
 hot, pass through a potato ricer
 and add back to pot above
 2) Only season with salt as extra
 for you
 8) Essentially, while potatoes are
 hot, pass through a potato ricer
 and add back to pot above
 12) Upon transferring to a serving
 dish, melt remaining butter too
 9) Rinse in melted butter, salt,
 heavy cream & sour cream
 carefully
 13) Time to pour over potatoes
 then garnish with paprika, just like
 on the menu
 10) Yielding a hand held mixer
 beat the potatoes on high until
 potatoes are smooth and fluffy
 also
 14) Eat and enjoy, makes a great
 treat
 Read the first letter of each of the
 14 instructions from the Nando's
 creamy mash recipe
 11) Carefully season with salt and
 pepper, with the perfect amount
 Yesterday 23:45
 12) Upon transferring to a serving
 dish, melt remaining butter too
 oh my god
 that's amazing
 13) Time to pour over potatoes
 then garnish with paprika, just like
 on the menu
 Today 05:49
 Now read the last letter of each of
 the 14 instructions
 14) Eat and enjoy, makes a great
 treat
 Read the first letter of each of the
 14 instructions from the Nando's
 creamy mash recipe
 Today 08:59
 after that, yeah you can
The effort I put into this seemed to pay off

The effort I put into this seemed to pay off

Bad, College, and Driving: GOING To A PARTY WORST-CASE MGH, WHO INVITED BEST-CASE THAT SHIRTTHAI WAS A GOOD IDEA? WHAT'S MOST LIKELy TO HAPPEN I THINK IMIGHT HEAD HOME SOON NEAH ME TOO. College DRIVING WORST-CASE WHAT HAVE You DONE? BEST-CASE FREEDOMI WHAT'S MOST LIKELy TO HAPPEN UGH, I-65 TRAFFIC ALWAyS SUcKS AT THIS TIME AND uPAGAIN, THAT POP SONG YOU'RE INDIFFERENT TO! Colle GOING ON A FIRST DATE WORST-CASE BEST-CASE Well, hello there, Sabella Martinez who lives at 3b5 Sunse+ Avenve BEFORE TONIGHT THOUGHT THE DEA OF A SOULMATE WAS A MYTH WHAT'S MOST LIKELy TO HAPPEN OH, yOU HAVE TWO SISTERS? EAH, THEY'RE FINE oleaelHumon GIVING A SPEECH WORST-CASE BEST-CASE TECHNICAL ERROR: ERY THING IS BAD WORLD PROBLEMS OLVED. NOU'RE A FRAUD HERE'S A B00k DEAL 00! MANE My BABIES Ol WHAT'S MOST LIKELy TO HAPPEN IN CONCLUSION WE SHOULD CHANGE SOME THINGS, BUT NoT EVERYTHING. THAT SOUNDS REASONABLE. TIME paperparachute: castorochiaro: pr1nceshawn: Worst Case vs. Best Case Scenarios by Karina Farek. This is a great joke, but it’s also a wonderful strategy for reducing anxiety that I learned about in therapy. If you’re ever nervous about something, just ask yourself: what’s the best thing that can happen? What’s the worst thing? What will most likely happen? It does wonders for your nerves, really does. My counsellor walks me through this all the time and it works??
Bad, College, and Driving: GOING To A PARTY
 WORST-CASE
 MGH, WHO INVITED
 BEST-CASE
 THAT SHIRTTHAI
 WAS A
 GOOD IDEA?
 WHAT'S MOST LIKELy TO HAPPEN
 I THINK IMIGHT
 HEAD HOME SOON
 NEAH
 ME TOO.
 College

 DRIVING
 WORST-CASE
 WHAT HAVE
 You DONE?
 BEST-CASE
 FREEDOMI
 WHAT'S MOST LIKELy TO HAPPEN
 UGH, I-65 TRAFFIC
 ALWAyS SUcKS
 AT THIS TIME
 AND uPAGAIN, THAT
 POP SONG YOU'RE
 INDIFFERENT TO!
 Colle

 GOING ON A FIRST DATE
 WORST-CASE
 BEST-CASE
 Well, hello there,
 Sabella Martinez
 who lives at 3b5
 Sunse+ Avenve
 BEFORE TONIGHT THOUGHT
 THE DEA OF A SOULMATE
 WAS A MYTH
 WHAT'S MOST LIKELy TO HAPPEN
 OH, yOU HAVE
 TWO SISTERS?
 EAH, THEY'RE
 FINE
 oleaelHumon

 GIVING A SPEECH
 WORST-CASE
 BEST-CASE
 TECHNICAL
 ERROR:
 ERY THING
 IS BAD
 WORLD
 PROBLEMS
 OLVED.
 NOU'RE A
 FRAUD
 HERE'S A
 B00k DEAL
 00! MANE My
 BABIES
 Ol
 WHAT'S MOST LIKELy TO HAPPEN
 IN CONCLUSION
 WE SHOULD CHANGE
 SOME THINGS, BUT
 NoT EVERYTHING.
 THAT SOUNDS
 REASONABLE.
 TIME
paperparachute:

castorochiaro:

pr1nceshawn:



Worst Case vs. Best Case Scenarios by Karina Farek.

This is a great joke, but it’s also a wonderful strategy for reducing anxiety that I learned about in therapy. If you’re ever nervous about something, just ask yourself: what’s the best thing that can happen? What’s the worst thing? What will most likely happen?
It does wonders for your nerves, really does.

My counsellor walks me through this all the time and it works??

paperparachute: castorochiaro: pr1nceshawn: Worst Case vs. Best Case Scenarios by Karina Farek. This is a great joke, but it’s also a ...