And Now
And Now

And Now

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Did I

Did I

If You
If You

If You

Have
Have

Have

Plans
Plans

Plans

Your
Your

Your

Be Safe
Be Safe

Be Safe

The
The

The

In Bed
In Bed

In Bed

Rob
Rob

Rob

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America, Community, and Cute: Mira Jacob @mirajacob Two things I didn't know until I was yesterday years old: 1) Memorial Day was started by African Americans honoring fallen Union solders 2) The Statue of Liberty was gifted to America to celebrate freed slaves, not immigrants. Erasure is real, you all. But that part we knew. 7:28 AM May 27, 2019 Twitter for iPhone 37.2K Likes 12.2K Retweets valquainton: ms-demeanor: ms-demeanor: the-barista-who-became-a-rabbit: meganphntmgrl: panic-boy-21: blckrapunzel: laughingacademy: interficio-vos: thatpettyblackgirl: The White Wash is real. One of the Earliest Memorial Day Ceremonies Was Held by Freed Slaves The Statue of Liberty was created to celebrate freed slaves, not immigrants, its new museum recounts Just wait until you google what the original Statue of Liberty(that got refused by America)looked like For those of you who don’t want to look it up yourselves: Lady Liberty is a black woman. Guys, this has been thoroughly debunked since 2000, and it does the statue on the left there a huge disservice to treat her as an unwanted copy. That’s Lady Liberty of St. Maarten, an homage from 2007 (post-dating the debunking, even) that was dedicated to the anniversary of the ending of slavery there: The Statue of Liberty in New York Harbor is a representation of Libertas, the Roman goddess of freedom, with bonus American iconography: HOWEVER: Lady Liberty in New York is not based on a white woman, either.  She’s a Muslim Arab woman, at least in terms of the modeling of her face. Her face was reused from an abandoned project to build a colossal statue of a modern Egyptian Arab peasant woman near the Suez Canal (as verified by the Smithsonian, no less). While she wasn’t originally dedicated specifically for immigrants, the poem “The New Colossus” was added specifically because of the position she occupied in the harbor and the symbolic visual power she would have to immigrants coming in. The author, Emma Lazarus, was Jewish. It’s important to fight back on the whitewashing of history, because it happens left and right, but it shouldn’t happen at the cost of misinformation that treats Lady Liberty of St. Maarten as an unwanted prototype rather than a powerful monument in her own right and, ironically, claims that she’s now a white woman when she’s not while also ignoring the powerful influence of the Jewish-American community on the final version. Geez, I’m really tired of people trying to spout false shit all over tumblr. Like, this post has 37K notes, But I assure you, that like many other false posts, ¾ of the notes are from people who saw the false bit and prefered to reblog it that way and be mad, instead of just making a simple google search Hi Darling Friends of Tumblr. I’ve been taking too long to do data entry and I’m not good at actually doing analysis so it’s time to start naming and shaming. @thatpettyblackgirl is a blog that I’ve been observing for a while that has a really interesting pattern of behavior. Namely, posting a bunch of shit like this. Remember that tweet about Olive Garden supporting Donald Trump that was debunked? Well when it circulated on tumblr two weeks ago it was because of @thatpettyblackgirl You know the misreported post about the school lunch program that refused donations from a local businessman? That was a different blogger but thatpettyblackgirl has circulated another version of it. That other blogger has a posting history that’s full of the same kinds of things thatpettyblackgirl posts - lots of reposts from twitter, lots of screenshots from other sites, not a lot of commentary, and things that are decontextualized enough to make them seem worse than they are or to totally misrepresent the actions depicted (like this reposted video and tweets indignant about a man being arrested when the very specific purpose of his protest was to get arrested). It reminds me of that post about coconut husks as a wood alternative that’s been circulating recently - a screenshot of a white man above a news article is posted with the complaint that white people “discovering” coconuts after disregarding them as useless when the article is about a new method of processing coconut husks that allows them to be put to new uses. That blog is fascinating. And has a lot in common with thatpettyblackgirl - both of them reblog their own posts at a rate that’s higher than I’ve seen on most tumblrs (btw, you should know that a while back I asked for volunteers who would let me explore their tumblrs and while my research sample isn’t random it is a collection of small and large blogs and none of them have *checks notes* reblogged their own post of a bunch of screencaps of a tweet storm five times in the last couple of days). Both of them tend to post screencaps, neither one really writes much. They reblog a lot of memes, and both have some pretty big textposts that are just straight rip-offs of tweets (”bi folks have you eaten today? answer quick and iced coffee doesn’t count” is one of thatpettyblackgirl’s recent popular textposts and it’s ripped off from twitter.) They also reblog eachother a fair amount - along with @whyyoustabbedme and @endangered-justice-seeker, who ALSO have really weird posting patterns. Also all four of those blogs are part of a group of nine blogs that were created in a three-week period of 2017 that I’ve been watching that don’t seem to follow a pattern of normal tumblr behavior and that also post an awful lot of incorrect viral posts and are staggeringly popular (for clarity: blackqueerblog is not one of the nine created in that time period). ANYWAY this is all reminding me very strongly of bellygangstaboo and lagonegirl. I know I probably sound like this image: But there are excellent, thoughtful bloggers who discuss police brutality, racism in the US, class warefare, and institutional bias who aren’t ALSO unflaggingly committed to having their own dedicated Snopes pages. @odinsblog, Franchesca Ramsey, @antifainternational, and @mostlysignssomeportents might be a good place to start. My dudes, I don’t want to be depressing so I’ll let Vanity Fair do it for me: That Russian operatives could so effectively engage Americans with tactics as simple as Facebook ads, fake-news postings, and Twitter trolls, shows how dangerous misinformation is in the social-media age, when propaganda can be so easily amplified. More important, it highlights how primed Americans already were for manipulation. When the ICE raids started up again a few months ago thatpettyblackgirl was posting about how shameful it was that there was nothing that could be done. A lot of these blogs are writing about how it’s impossible for black people to succeed in America, they’re writing about how voting is always rigged and you can’t fight the system. And you know what that goes against every fucking principle of my cold little anarchist heart. These blogs are full of despair - they look like they’re full of cute memes and fresh news but they’re a poisoned pill telling you not to bother because you can’t fight the system. They’re not offering help, they’re training you not to bother fighting for your rights (there was a popular post about how the Hong Kong protesters are light years ahead of US protesters - that post didn’t talk about mutual aid or sharing tactics, it just said “people in the US would never” and left it at that, like we can’t learn from each other and share information across borders) Fucking. Anyway. I’ve been fairly quiet about this because I’ve been trying to be all good and data sciencey about it but I’ve seen this post on my dash fifty times this week. Keep your eye out for @thatpettyblackgirl  @uncommonbish @whyyoustabbedme and @blackqueerblog - all of them have large followings and are known to post tweets and news articles out of context and if you’re considering reblogging information from one of their blogs please make a point to fact-check the post yourself. Not everything they post is wrong. I don’t know if these are real bloggers who don’t care about the potential negative impact of their tweet thievery or if they’re weird psyops blogs that are intended to make you feel hopeless about your place in the political process. Whatever they are it doesn’t matter when they continually post misinformation and don’t seem to care about stopping so please be cautious. Anyway, I’m cataloguing these sorts of posts at @psyops-redux so if you want to keep an eye out for stuff that’s debunked I’ll tag by originating blogger over there. Stay safe, buds. Dammit, I got all fired up and I forgot to add: THERE’S A GAME THAT HELPS YOU RECOGNIZE WHEN PEOPLE ARE POSTING MISINFORMATION AND MAKES YOU LESS SUSCEPTIBLE TO THIS KIND OF PROPAGANDA AND YOU SHOULD ALL GO PLAY IT. Ah. The number reposts from their own blogs had puzzled me in the past. I assumed it was something to do with the way Tumblr runs that I wasn’t tech-savvy enough to understand. But this makes a lot of sense. Unless someone tells me otherwise, I’m gonna go ahead and unfollow the blogs listed. Any recommendations for actual historical/current affairs poc blogs to follow instead?
America, Community, and Cute: Mira Jacob
 @mirajacob
 Two things I didn't know until I was
 yesterday years old:
 1) Memorial Day was started by
 African Americans honoring fallen
 Union solders
 2) The Statue of Liberty was gifted to
 America to celebrate freed slaves, not
 immigrants.
 Erasure is real, you all. But that part
 we knew.
 7:28 AM May 27, 2019 Twitter for iPhone
 37.2K Likes
 12.2K Retweets
valquainton:

ms-demeanor:

ms-demeanor:

the-barista-who-became-a-rabbit:

meganphntmgrl:

panic-boy-21:

blckrapunzel:

laughingacademy:

interficio-vos:

thatpettyblackgirl:


The White Wash is real.



One of the Earliest Memorial Day Ceremonies Was Held by Freed Slaves
The Statue of Liberty was created to celebrate freed slaves, not immigrants, its new museum recounts



Just wait until you google what the original Statue of Liberty(that got refused by America)looked like


For those of you who don’t want to look it up yourselves:
Lady Liberty is a black woman.

Guys, this has been thoroughly debunked since 2000, and it does the statue on the left there a huge disservice to treat her as an unwanted copy. That’s Lady Liberty of St. Maarten, an homage from 2007 (post-dating the debunking, even) that was dedicated to the anniversary of the ending of slavery there:
The Statue of Liberty in New York Harbor is a representation of Libertas, the Roman goddess of freedom, with bonus American iconography:
HOWEVER: Lady Liberty in New York is not based on a white woman, either. 
She’s a Muslim Arab woman, at least in terms of the modeling of her face. Her face was reused from an abandoned project to build a colossal statue of a modern Egyptian Arab peasant woman near the Suez Canal (as verified by the Smithsonian, no less).
While she wasn’t originally dedicated specifically for immigrants, the poem “The New Colossus” was added specifically because of the position she occupied in the harbor and the symbolic visual power she would have to immigrants coming in. The author, Emma Lazarus, was Jewish.
It’s important to fight back on the whitewashing of history, because it happens left and right, but it shouldn’t happen at the cost of misinformation that treats Lady Liberty of St. Maarten as an unwanted prototype rather than a powerful monument in her own right and, ironically, claims that she’s now a white woman when she’s not while also ignoring the powerful influence of the Jewish-American community on the final version.

Geez, I’m really tired of people trying to spout false shit all over tumblr. Like, this post has 37K notes, But I assure you, that like many other false posts, ¾ of the notes are from people who saw the false bit and prefered to reblog it that way and be mad, instead of just making a simple google search

Hi Darling Friends of Tumblr.
I’ve been taking too long to do data entry and I’m not good at actually doing analysis so it’s time to start naming and shaming.
@thatpettyblackgirl is a blog that I’ve been observing for a while that has a really interesting pattern of behavior. 
Namely, posting a bunch of shit like this. 
Remember that tweet about Olive Garden supporting Donald Trump that was debunked? Well when it circulated on tumblr two weeks ago it was because of @thatpettyblackgirl
You know the misreported post about the school lunch program that refused donations from a local businessman? That was a different blogger but thatpettyblackgirl has circulated another version of it. 
That other blogger has a posting history that’s full of the same kinds of things thatpettyblackgirl posts - lots of reposts from twitter, lots of screenshots from other sites, not a lot of commentary, and things that are decontextualized enough to make them seem worse than they are or to totally misrepresent the actions depicted (like this reposted video and tweets indignant about a man being arrested when the very specific purpose of his protest was to get arrested).
It reminds me of that post about coconut husks as a wood alternative that’s been circulating recently - a screenshot of a white man above a news article is posted with the complaint that white people “discovering” coconuts after disregarding them as useless when the article is about a new method of processing coconut husks that allows them to be put to new uses. 
That blog is fascinating. And has a lot in common with thatpettyblackgirl - both of them reblog their own posts at a rate that’s higher than I’ve seen on most tumblrs (btw, you should know that a while back I asked for volunteers who would let me explore their tumblrs and while my research sample isn’t random it is a collection of small and large blogs and none of them have *checks notes* reblogged their own post of a bunch of screencaps of a tweet storm five times in the last couple of days). Both of them tend to post screencaps, neither one really writes much. They reblog a lot of memes, and both have some pretty big textposts that are just straight rip-offs of tweets (”bi folks have you eaten today? answer quick and iced coffee doesn’t count” is one of thatpettyblackgirl’s recent popular textposts and it’s ripped off from twitter.) They also reblog eachother a fair amount - along with @whyyoustabbedme and @endangered-justice-seeker, who ALSO have really weird posting patterns.
Also all four of those blogs are part of a group of nine blogs that were created in a three-week period of 2017 that I’ve been watching that don’t seem to follow a pattern of normal tumblr behavior and that also post an awful lot of incorrect viral posts and are staggeringly popular (for clarity: blackqueerblog is not one of the nine created in that time period). 

ANYWAY this is all reminding me very strongly of bellygangstaboo and lagonegirl. 
I know I probably sound like this image:
But there are excellent, thoughtful bloggers who discuss police brutality, racism in the US, class warefare, and institutional bias who aren’t ALSO unflaggingly committed to having their own dedicated Snopes pages. @odinsblog, Franchesca Ramsey, @antifainternational, and @mostlysignssomeportents might be a good place to start. 
My dudes, I don’t want to be depressing so I’ll let Vanity Fair do it for me:

That Russian operatives could so effectively engage Americans with 
tactics as simple as Facebook ads, fake-news postings, and Twitter 
trolls, shows how dangerous misinformation is in the social-media age, 
when propaganda can be so easily amplified. More important, it 
highlights how primed Americans already were for manipulation. 
When the ICE raids started up again a few months ago thatpettyblackgirl was posting about how shameful it was that there was nothing that could be done. A lot of these blogs are writing about how it’s impossible for black people to succeed in America, they’re writing about how voting is always rigged and you can’t fight the system.
And you know what that goes against every fucking principle of my cold little anarchist heart. These blogs are full of despair - they look like they’re full of cute memes and fresh news but they’re a poisoned pill telling you not to bother because you can’t fight the system. They’re not offering help, they’re training you not to bother fighting for your rights (there was a popular post about how the Hong Kong protesters are light years ahead of US protesters - that post didn’t talk about mutual aid or sharing tactics, it just said “people in the US would never” and left it at that, like we can’t learn from each other and share information across borders)
Fucking. Anyway. I’ve been fairly quiet about this because I’ve been trying to be all good and data sciencey about it but I’ve seen this post on my dash fifty times this week. 
Keep your eye out for @thatpettyblackgirl  @uncommonbish @whyyoustabbedme and @blackqueerblog - all of them have large followings and are known to post tweets and news articles out of context and if you’re considering reblogging information from one of their blogs please make a point to fact-check the post yourself. 
Not everything they post is wrong. I don’t know if these are real bloggers who don’t care about the potential negative impact of their tweet thievery or if they’re weird psyops blogs that are intended to make you feel hopeless about your place in the political process. Whatever they are it doesn’t matter when they continually post misinformation and don’t seem to care about stopping so please be cautious.
Anyway, I’m cataloguing these sorts of posts at @psyops-redux so if you want to keep an eye out for stuff that’s debunked I’ll tag by originating blogger over there.
Stay safe, buds. 

Dammit, I got all fired up and I forgot to add:

THERE’S A GAME THAT HELPS YOU RECOGNIZE WHEN PEOPLE ARE POSTING MISINFORMATION AND MAKES YOU LESS SUSCEPTIBLE TO THIS KIND OF PROPAGANDA AND YOU SHOULD ALL GO PLAY IT.


Ah.  The number reposts from their own blogs had puzzled me in the past.  I assumed it was something to do with the way Tumblr runs that I wasn’t tech-savvy enough to understand.  But this makes a lot of sense.  Unless someone tells me otherwise, I’m gonna go ahead and unfollow the blogs listed.  Any recommendations for actual historical/current affairs poc blogs to follow instead?

valquainton: ms-demeanor: ms-demeanor: the-barista-who-became-a-rabbit: meganphntmgrl: panic-boy-21: blckrapunzel: laughingacademy: ...

America, Candy, and Halloween: coolwali hawkofthenight99 dewyntersisters if a teenager is at your door and they are wearing a costume!! please give them candy!! they are still in it for the halloween spirit and it honestly no different from a little kid in a costume. they are just as excited and happy as all the other lil tykes and dont you dare tell them they are "too old for trick-or-treating" because that will literally break their hearts and that's not cool. dewyntersisters Its getting close to Halloween again so I just thought l'd reblog this again archdemonblood And if "don't be rude to teenagers over a stupid jawbreaker" isn't enough for you, consider You can't tell how old a kid is just by looking. I've known multiple 5th graders who were taller than I am, and I'm 25 years old. With their faces hidden by masks, you won't be able to tell they're elementary schoolers, but they still are. Lots of older siblings are expected to take their younger siblings trick-or- treating, and they only get paid in candy. You don't know if that teenager is developmentally disabled. You don't know if that teenager spent most of their childhood in a hospital or sick and has never had the traditional trick-or-treat experience before You don't know if this is that teenager's first Halloween in America, and they just want to experience a piece of American culture. You don't know if that teenager ever gets candy any other day of the year. You don't know if that teenager has eaten anything at all today And those are just things I can think of off the top of my head Source: boycub 382,278 notes Wholesome spooktober reminder via /r/wholesomememes https://ift.tt/2McwNzY
America, Candy, and Halloween: coolwali hawkofthenight99
 dewyntersisters
 if a teenager is at your door and they are wearing a costume!! please give them
 candy!! they are still in it for the halloween spirit and it honestly no different from
 a little kid in a costume. they are just as excited and happy as all the other lil
 tykes and dont you dare tell them they are "too old for trick-or-treating"
 because that will literally break their hearts and that's not cool.
 dewyntersisters
 Its getting close to Halloween again so I just thought l'd reblog this again
 archdemonblood
 And if "don't be rude to teenagers over a stupid jawbreaker" isn't enough for
 you, consider
 You can't tell how old a kid is just by looking. I've known multiple 5th
 graders who were taller than I am, and I'm 25 years old. With their faces
 hidden by masks, you won't be able to tell they're elementary schoolers,
 but they still are.
 Lots of older siblings are expected to take their younger siblings trick-or-
 treating, and they only get paid in candy.
 You don't know if that teenager is developmentally disabled.
 You don't know if that teenager spent most of their childhood in a
 hospital or sick and has never had the traditional trick-or-treat experience
 before
 You don't know if this is that teenager's first Halloween in America, and
 they just want to experience a piece of American culture.
 You don't know if that teenager ever gets candy any other day of the
 year.
 You don't know if that teenager has eaten anything at all today
 And those are just things I can think of off the top of my head
 Source: boycub
 382,278 notes
Wholesome spooktober reminder via /r/wholesomememes https://ift.tt/2McwNzY

Wholesome spooktober reminder via /r/wholesomememes https://ift.tt/2McwNzY

Alive, Apparently, and Bad: ORihad Herrma M S youmakemelikecharity: rock-moms: vastderp: gaybuttfuckzone: deltasniper1000: So someone in a group asked me to tell them why I hate the ocean sunfish so much, and apparently it was ~too mean~ and was deleted. To perpetuate the truth and stand up for ethical journalism, I’m posting it here. [Rated NC-17 for language.] Disclaimer, I care about marine life more than I care about anything else, for real. Except this big dumb idiot. And it’s not like an ~ironic~ thing, I mean it IS hilarious to me and they ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE PLAYED ON EARTH but I seriously fucking hate them. THE MOLA MOLA FISH (OR OCEAN SUNFISH) They are the world’s largest boney fish, weighing up to 5,000 pounds. And since they have very little girth, that just makes them these absolutely giant fucking dinner plates that God must have accidentally dropped while washing dishes one day and shrugged his shoulders at because no one could have imagined this would happen. AND WITH NO PURPOSE. EVERY POUND OF THAT IS A WASTED POUND AND EVERY FOOT OF IT (10 FT BY 14 FT) IS WASTED SPACE. They are so completely useless that scientists even debate about how they move. They have little control other than some minor wiggling. Some say they must just push water out of their mouths for direction (?????). They COULD use their back fin EXCEPT GUESS WHAT IT DOESNT FUCKING GROW. It just continually folds in on itself, so the freaking cells are being made, this piece of floating garbage just doesn’t put them where they need to fucking go. So they don’t have swim bladders. You know, the one thing that every fish has to make sure it doesn’t just sink to the bottom of the ocean when they stop moving and can stay the right side up. This creature. That can barely move to begin with. Can never stop its continuous tour of idiocy across the ocean or it’ll fucking sink. EXCEPT. EXCEPT. When they get stuck on top of the water! Which happens frequently! Because without the whole swim bladder thing, if the ocean pushes over THE THINNEST BUT LARGEST MOST TOPPLE-ABLE FISH ON THE PLANET, shit outta luck! There is no creature on this earth that needs a swim bladder more than this spit in the face of nature, AND YET. Some scientists have speculated that when they do that, they are absorbing energy from the sun because no one fucking knows how they manage to get any real energy to begin with. So they need the sun I guess. But good news, when they end up stuck like that, it gives birds a chance to land on their goddamn island of a body and eat the bugs and parasites out of its skin because it’s basically a slowly migrating cesspool. Pros and cons. “If they are so huge, they must at least be decent predators.” No. No. The most dangerous thing about them is, as you may have guessed, their stupidity. They have caused the death of one person before. Because it jumped onto a boat. On a human. And in 2005 it decided to relive its mighty glory days and do it again, this time landing on a four-year-old boy. Luckily Byron sustained no injuries. Way to go, fish. Great job. They mostly only eat jellyfish because of course they do, they could only eat something that has no brain and a possibility of drifting into their mouths I guess. Everything they do eat has almost zero nutritional value and because it’s so stupidly fucking big, it has to eat a ton of the almost no nutritional value stuff to stay alive. Dumb. See that ridiculous open mouth? (This is actually why this is my favorite picture of one, and I have had it saved to my phone for three years) “Oh no! What could have happened! How could this be!” Do not let that expression fool you, they just don’t have the goddamn ability to close their mouths because their teeth are fused together, and ya know what, it is good it floats around with such a clueless expression on its face, because it is in fact clueless as all fuck. They do SOMETIMES get eaten though. BUT HARDLY. No animal truly uses them as a food source, but instead (which has lead us to said photo) will usually just maim the fuck out of them for kicks. Seals have been seen playing with their fins like frisbees. Probably the most useful thing to ever come from them. “Wow, you raise some good points here, this fish truly is proof that God has abandoned us.” Yes, thank you. “But if they’re so bad at literally everything, why haven’t they gone extinct.” Great question. BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO WORTHLESS IT DOESNT REALIZE IT SHOULD NOT EXIST. IT IS SO UNAWARE OF LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT IT DOESNT REALIZE THAT IT’S DOING MAYBE THE WORST FUCKING JOB OF BEING A FISH, OR DEBATABLY THE WORST JOB OF BEING A CLUSTER OF CELLS THAN ANY OTHER CLUSTER OF CELLS. SO WHAT DOES IT DO? IT LAYS THE MOST EGGS OUT OF EVERYTHING. Besides some bugs, there are some ants and stuff that’ll lay more. IT WILL LAY 300 MILLION EGGS AT ONE TIME. 300,000,000. IT SURVIVES BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE, DARE I SAY IMPOSSIBLE, THAT THERE WOULDNT BE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE 300,000,000 (that is EACH time they lay eggs) LEFT SURVIVING AT THE END OF THE DAY. And this concludes why I hate the fuck out of this complete failure of evolution, the Ocean Sunfish. If I ever see one, I will throw rocks at it. LIVE OCEAN SUNFISH UPDATE: FISH DISCOVERED TO BE MORE DUMB THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHTSo the top and bottom fins kind of wiggle all of the time and they are not sure exactly why but think it’s stabilization. BUT they can jump by turning on their side and using them as wing type things. It is suspected they do this as a way of “scratching” their parasite ridden bodies. So learning that I was like “huh okay they have a skill.” Then I discovered this: Since they are so terrible at swimming, the current will carry them into deep cold water. Then they die. So I have learned that they are so stupid they just get slowly consumed by a freezing death. All while they have the full ability for that to not happen. Because they’re fucking worthless floating garbage i read this out loud to my marine bio nerd friend and she agrees be nice to them they’re doing their best :(
Alive, Apparently, and Bad: ORihad Herrma M
 S
youmakemelikecharity:

rock-moms:

vastderp:

gaybuttfuckzone:

deltasniper1000:

So someone in a group asked me to tell them why I hate the ocean sunfish so much, and apparently it was ~too mean~ and was deleted. To perpetuate the truth and stand up for ethical journalism, I’m posting it here. [Rated NC-17 for language.]

Disclaimer, I care about marine life more than I care about anything else, for real. Except this big dumb idiot. And it’s not like an ~ironic~ thing, I mean it IS hilarious to me and they ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE PLAYED ON EARTH but I seriously fucking hate them.

THE MOLA MOLA FISH (OR OCEAN SUNFISH)

They are the world’s largest boney fish, weighing up to 5,000 pounds. And since they have very little girth, that just makes them these absolutely giant fucking dinner plates that God must have accidentally dropped while washing dishes one day and shrugged his shoulders at because no one could have imagined this would happen. AND WITH NO PURPOSE. EVERY POUND OF THAT IS A WASTED POUND AND EVERY FOOT OF IT (10 FT BY 14 FT) IS WASTED SPACE.

They are so completely useless that scientists even debate about how they move. They have little control other than some minor wiggling. Some say they must just push water out of their mouths for direction (?????). They COULD use their back fin EXCEPT GUESS WHAT IT DOESNT FUCKING GROW. It just continually folds in on itself, so the freaking cells are being made, this piece of floating garbage just doesn’t put them where they need to fucking go. 

So they don’t have swim bladders. You know, the one thing that every fish has to make sure it doesn’t just sink to the bottom of the ocean when they stop moving and can stay the right side up. This creature. That can barely move to begin with. Can never stop its continuous tour of idiocy across the ocean or it’ll fucking sink. EXCEPT. EXCEPT. When they get stuck on top of the water! Which happens frequently! Because without the whole swim bladder thing, if the ocean pushes over THE THINNEST BUT LARGEST MOST TOPPLE-ABLE FISH ON THE PLANET, shit outta luck! There is no creature on this earth that needs a swim bladder more than this spit in the face of nature, AND YET. Some scientists have speculated that when they do that, they are absorbing energy from the sun because no one fucking knows how they manage to get any real energy to begin with. So they need the sun I guess. But good news, when they end up stuck like that, it gives birds a chance to land on their goddamn island of a body and eat the bugs and parasites out of its skin because it’s basically a slowly migrating cesspool. Pros and cons. 

“If they are so huge, they must at least be decent predators.” No. No. The most dangerous thing about them is, as you may have guessed, their stupidity. They have caused the death of one person before. Because it jumped onto a boat. On a human. And in 2005 it decided to relive its mighty glory days and do it again, this time landing on a four-year-old boy. Luckily Byron sustained no injuries. Way to go, fish. Great job.

They mostly only eat jellyfish because of course they do, they could only eat something that has no brain and a possibility of drifting into their mouths I guess. Everything they do eat has almost zero nutritional value and because it’s so stupidly fucking big, it has to eat a ton of the almost no nutritional value stuff to stay alive. Dumb. See that ridiculous open mouth? (This is actually why this is my favorite picture of one, and I have had it saved to my phone for three years) “Oh no! What could have happened! How could this be!” Do not let that expression fool you, they just don’t have the goddamn ability to close their mouths because their teeth are fused together, and ya know what, it is good it floats around with such a clueless expression on its face, because it is in fact clueless as all fuck.

They do SOMETIMES get eaten though. BUT HARDLY. No animal truly uses them as a food source, but instead (which has lead us to said photo) will usually just maim the fuck out of them for kicks. Seals have been seen playing with their fins like frisbees. Probably the most useful thing to ever come from them. 

“Wow, you raise some good points here, this fish truly is proof that God has abandoned us.” Yes, thank you. “But if they’re so bad at literally everything, why haven’t they gone extinct.” Great question. 

BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO WORTHLESS IT DOESNT REALIZE IT SHOULD NOT EXIST. IT IS SO UNAWARE OF LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT IT DOESNT REALIZE THAT IT’S DOING MAYBE THE WORST FUCKING JOB OF BEING A FISH, OR DEBATABLY THE WORST JOB OF BEING A CLUSTER OF CELLS THAN ANY OTHER CLUSTER OF CELLS. SO WHAT DOES IT DO? IT LAYS THE MOST EGGS OUT OF EVERYTHING. Besides some bugs, there are some ants and stuff that’ll lay more. IT WILL LAY 300 MILLION EGGS AT ONE TIME. 300,000,000. IT SURVIVES BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE, DARE I SAY IMPOSSIBLE, THAT THERE WOULDNT BE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE 300,000,000 (that is EACH time they lay eggs) LEFT SURVIVING AT THE END OF THE DAY. 

And this concludes why I hate the fuck out of this complete failure of evolution, the Ocean Sunfish. If I ever see one, I will throw rocks at it.


LIVE OCEAN SUNFISH UPDATE: FISH DISCOVERED TO BE MORE DUMB THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHTSo
 the top and bottom fins kind of wiggle all of the time and they are not
 sure exactly why but think it’s stabilization. BUT they can jump by 
turning on their side and using them as 
wing type things. It is suspected they do this as a way of “scratching” 
their parasite ridden bodies. So learning that I was like “huh okay they
 have a skill.” Then I discovered this: Since they 
are so terrible at swimming, the current will carry them into deep cold 
water. Then they die. So I have learned that they are so stupid they 
just get slowly consumed by a freezing death. All while they have the 
full ability for that to not happen. Because they’re fucking worthless 
floating garbage



i read this out loud to my marine bio nerd friend and she agrees


be nice to them they’re doing their best :(

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