The Turkey Story So it's 2001 and my family drives from fu California and like three blizzards to get to Ohio for into a nursing home and it's their last holiday in that house So its a bit bittersweet but ultimately a good thing Since it's their last holiday there the family pulls out all the stops when it comes to dinner all the Russian desserts come out as does the Lethal Bacon Mashed Potatoes and the horrible candied yams with the mini marshmallows dish because not all expressions of love are even if they are si In the spirit of going alout Uncle Bobby smokes a Turkey Uncle Bobby started cooking as a boy foil-wrapped potatoes into a campfire and has been ad- dicted since and now has a hand-made smokehouse in the backyard where he makes various cured meats and other delights He seasons the turkey in the traditional manner but he and grandpa have a shared passion for SO Game Hen seasoned that way for them Then Bobby has a Brilliant Idea He realizes that he can stuff the turkey once it has been smoked with regular stuffing and there is still plenty of room for him to put the game hen inside THAT and stuff the game hen be- cuase why not? He confers with Mom and she explains how to cut open the turkey so there's dramatic reveal as the stuffing and game hen come out It's Genius Except of course that my Aunt Sue is attending Uncle Cliff s after her So the day of the dinner tensions are running a bit high between the marathon cooking the kids al being trapped indoors due to aforementioned blizzards and Uncle Cliff deciding that the best way to amuse himself is by hiding from the adults in the basement getting drunk and rambling about how various ethic groups were destroying America Being that I had close Muslim friends that were leaving the country becuase of 911 1 was near tears from this nonsense and ready to n roughly five times my size Sue for some reason keeps coming down and defending him or telling us we're rotten children for 'attacking him becuase she Must Stand By Her Man even if her man is a hefty bag of dog feces with an ugly mustache My sister eventually boits upstairs to tattle and my grandfather limps down to the basement and brandishes his Hip Bone Cane hands rock-steady in spite of the Parkinson's slowly taking over him Firstly Cliff It may not be my roof much longer but while you are under it you will be civil or Ill beat your skull in Also dinner's ready everyone go wash up We go upstairs and sit down and do the traditional Name one thing you're thankful for as the bread gets passed around the table and things calm down a bit Bobby brings out the Turkey and everyone goes OOH becuase it's really pretty them Mom carves it open so that the stuffing spills out dramatically along with the game hen and there's an appreciative gasp all around becuase it looks cool Only Sue KEEPS gasping in utter horror before getting up and clasping her hands to her face ala Edvard Munch and shrieks OH MY GOD IT WAS PREGNANTI We all stare at Sue We all look back at the fully-dressed-cooked-and-stuffed birds that in no way had any internal organs in them or ever gave live birth Then we all looked back at Sue trying to figure out where to begin but since shed been trying to justify Cliffs behavior she was pretty much free-associating conspiracies and scandals now and just kept going IT WAS PREGNANT MY GOD WE'VE COMMITTED AN ABORTION WE'RE ALL GOING TO HELL FOR THIS I'M SO SORRY JESUS She goes into full pearl-clutching gibbering horror at this point and falls back into her chair like it's a Victorian fainting couch only it's a shitty chair from the Eisenhower administration so it collapses and she slams into the floor sobbing and kicking her feet like a toddler Everyone watched for a moment before my Mom sighs heavily and starts carving and serving the turkey while my grandmother mouths she's not coming back Cliff reactions delayed by about six beers finally notices his wife is on the floor and tries to pick her up are assisted by Dad who is saintly patient man and less immune to this jacknapery at that point I am stuffing dinner rolls into my face to keep from laughing at this grand spectacle ICANT EAT IT I REFUSE TO PARTAKE IN THIS BARBARISM Sue begins but Dad puts on his best Kindly Father voice he was heavily involved with the catholic church and even considered becoming a priest before getting drafted but that's another storyand assures Sue that she need not eat or even be in the room if she wants She nods placated by being the center of attention again and Dad goes in for the kill I wouldn't want you to go hungry Can I make you some That would be lovely Said Sue joke flying over her ng 747 I recall watching my grandmot her nearly choke to death on the green beans over that and everyone pointedly trying to avoid talking about anything poultry-related while Sue sat there and ate the most ironic scrambled eggs in the history of mankind Shortly thereafter Cliff threw up in the sink and they went home and the party got underway properly with Grandpa raising a toast to Mom and Uncle Bobby For t Turkey has been an staple since then I'll see if I can hit Uncle Bobby up for instructions but if you decide to make it 1 you HAVE to shriek OH MY GOD IT WAS PREGNANT when you carve it open or it's not authentic and won't taste as good 2 Share the pictures with me Very planned Parenthood Meme

9/11

America

Children

Church

Dad

Drunk

family

Friends

God

Hungry

Ironic

Jesus

Love

Muslim

oh my god

Party

pregnant

Sorry

The Game

Ugly

yams

Grandpa

Abortion

Best

Birds

California

Cool

Couch

Death

Dish

Free

Game

Genius

Good

History

Home

House

How To

Kids

Live

Ohio

Parenthood

Patient

Pictures

Skull

Spirit

Stuff

Turkey

Voice

Catholic

Wife

Nursing

Toast

Brilliant

Grand

Russian

Victorian

Chair

Hell

Nonsense

Reason

Bacon

Running

Mom

All The

Back

Been

boy

how

feet

got

planned parenthood

idea

another

her

Dog

sat

marathon

table

horror

mini

once

pearl

eisenhower

bread

bone

rock

who

him

can

catholic church

one

green

down

priest

passion

may

man

open

name

parkinsons

three

day

why

will

she

potatoes

holiday

them

all

mankind

face

make

they

staple

thing

moment

you

story

green beans

inside

now

the spirit

ala

beat

feces

birth

times

five

still

made

munch

for

share

hen

fainting

scrambled eggs

cane

last holiday

rotten

tears

edvard munch

history of

stand

administration

civil

candied yams

look

my family

blizzards

this

the best

why not

the room

get

of course

mashed potatoes

laughing

really

calm down

high

mustache

joke

like

toddler

country

cooking

when you

my god

youre

father

eat

calm

full

pictures with

room

hand

just

anything

then

finally

hit

because

eventually

thankful

everyone

my mom

regular

horrible

oh my

coming

dramatic

lethal

went

hefty

steady

no way

grandmother

leaving

i can

shitty

stuffed

eat it

rambling

figure out

im so sorry

stand by

shes

shed

pretty

authentic

attention

uncle

except

stare

talking

lovely

their

ever

ooh

ill

spite

sink

aunt

partake

refuse

recall

shriek

gasp

were

justify

there

in spite of

fainting couch

spectacle

firstly

look back

no

traditional

reactions

sit down

dinner

see

things

hands

way

need

come

ready

want

said

much

around

the best way to

trying to figure out

bag

gets

eggs

foil

kill

meats

close

bobby

beans

again

choke

a toast

my face

kicking

carving

aunt sue

there is

backyard

watching

she wants

my sister

the party

the family

go upstairs

pretty much

rock steady

on the floor

appreciative

nursing home

marshmallows

brilliant idea

not coming back

at-this-point

out

over

point

hiding

sister

campfire

sobbing

laughing at

hefty bag

looks cool

that would be lovely

size

reveal

beers

gasping

And

Trapped

Flying

Other

I Am

Expressions

Hip

So Sorry

When

Its A

Going To Hell

That

Behavior

But

Not

Cut

Last

Where

Serving

You Are

Grandfather

Getting Drunk

Center Of Attention

Taste

Bag Of

The

The History Of

A Good

Basement

From

I Refuse

Instructions

Cliff

Roof

Make You

Your

Trying

Its

Starts

Has Been

Delayed

That Way

Bittersweet

Ate

Very

Pick

Deciding

I Had

Sit

Becoming

Seasons

Falls

Mouths

While

Im So

Looks

After

Nods

Pulls

Wash

For Him

Adults

Sue

Watched

Thats

Was

With

The Dinner

Slams

Be Civil

To Mom

Getting Up

Comes

Are

Have

Figure

Attacking

Conspiracies

Going

Its Not

If You

Taking

Shared

Threw

Had

Tries

Begins

Who Is

Goes

Also

Put

Floor

Gave

Kindly

Aforementioned

That Would Be

The Floor

Keep

Desserts

Only

About

Does

Between

Since

Plenty

Center

Has

Groups

Before

Being

Most

A Boy

Begin

Good Thing

Internal

Must

One Thing

Poultry

Shortly

Taking Over

Theres

She Was Pretty

A Good Thing

Decide

Wants

Best Way

Avoid

Telling

Dressed

Involved

Getting

Committed

Started

Rolls

Along

Brings

Even

His

Some

Amuse

Himself

Course

Destroying

Planned

It Was

Utter

Bit

Drafted

Heavily

Less

Manner

Roughly

Smoked

Upstairs

If She

And Now

And Stuff

And There

Any

Attending

Becuase

But Dad

But Thats

Can I

Coming Back

Coming Down

Cooked

Day Of The

Dinner Rolls

Dinners Ready

Everyone Goes

Explains

For The

Have A

Her Man

His Best

I Make

Ill See

Icant

If I

In The

Indoors

Into

Is A

It Comes

Its Genius

Leaving The Country

Like A

Longer

Make It

Muslim Friends

My Aunt

Not All

Organs

Over Him

Over That

Passed

Pearl Clutching

Plenty Of Room

Plenty Of

Realizes

Six

All Around

Along With

Another Story

Game Hen

Hip Bone

found @ 30 likes ON 2019-02-26 08:50:39 BY astrologymemes.com

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