Man Once upon a time there was a lovely princess But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison but non prevailed She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss Laughing Like that's ever gonna happen Paper Rusting Toilet Flushes What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me l ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an L on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey now You're an all-star Get your game on go play Hey now You're a rock star Get the show on get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey now you're an all-star Shouting Get your game on go play Hey now You're a rock star Get the show on get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould Belches Go! Go! Record Scratching Go Go Go Hey now you're an all-star Get your game on go play Hey now You're a rock star Get the show on get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould -Think it's in there? -All right Let's get it! -Whoa Hold on Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah it'll grind your bones for its bread Laughs -Yes well actually that would be a giant Now ogres - - They're much worse They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin -No! -They'll shave your liver Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually it's quite good on toast -Back! Back beast! Back! I warn ya! Gasping -Right Roaring Shouting Roaring Whispers This is the part where you run away Gasping Laughs Laughing And stay out! Wanted Fairy tale creatures Sighs Man's voice All right This one's full -Take it away! Gasps -Move it along Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your flying days are over That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces Thudding -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! Crying -This cage is too small -Please don't turn me in I'll never be stubborn again I can change Please! Give me another chance! -Oh shut up -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet -l'm not a puppet I'm a real boy -Five shillings for the possessed toy Take it away -Father please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well I've got a talking donkey Grunts -Right WellI that's good for ten shillings if you can prove it -Oh go ahead little fella -Well? -Oh oh he's just - - He's just a little nervous He's really quite a chatterbox Talk you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it I've heard enough Guards! -No no he talks! He does I can talk I love to talk I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw -Get her out of my sight -No no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! Gasps -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha ha! That's right fool! Now I'm a flying talking donkey You might have seen a housefly maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly Ha ha! Oh-oh Grunts -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! Grunts Gasps Man -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there Ogre! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad l am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility -Oh really? You and what army? Gasps WhimperingChuckles -Can I say something to you? -Listen you was really really really somethin' back here Incredible! Are you talkin' to -- me? Whoa! -Yes I was talkin' to you Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that Then you showed up and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods That really made me feel good to see that -Oh that's great Really -Man it's good to be free -Now why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But uh I don't have any friends And I'm not goin' out there by myself Hey wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you You're mean green fightin' machine Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us Roaring -Oh wow! That was really scary If you don't mind me sayin' if that don't work are you following me? -I'll tell you why 'Cause l'm all alone There's no one here beside me My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta have friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends -Wow Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest -Listen little donkey Take a look at me What am ? -Uh -- Really tall? -No! I'm an ogre! You know Grab your torch and pitchforks Doesn't that bother you? -Nope -Really? -Really really -Oh -Man I like you What's you name? -Uh Shrek -Shrek? Well you know what I like about you Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing I like that I respect that Shrek You all right Whoo! Look at that Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful You know you are quite a decorator It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget I like that boulder That is a nice boulder -l guess you don't entertain much do you? -I like my privacy -You know I do too That's another thing we have in common Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face You've trying to give them a hint and they won't leave There's that awkward silence -Can Istay with you? -Uh what? -Can I stay with you please? -Of course! -Really? -No -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak Well maybe you do But that's why we gotta stick together You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late swappin' manly stories and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles -Oh! -Where do uh I sleep? -Outside! -Oh well I guess that's cool I mean I don't know you and you don't know me so I guess outside is best you know Sniffles -Here I go -Good night Sighs -I mean I do like the outdoors I'm a donkey I was born outside I'll just be sitting by myself outside I guess you know By myself outside I'm all alone There's no one here beside me Bubbling Sighs Creaking Sighs -I thought told you to stay outside -l'm outside Clattering -Well gents it's a far cry from the farm but what choice do we have? -It's not home but it'll do just fine -What a lovely bed -Got ya Sniffs I found some cheese -Ow! Grunts-Blah! Awful stuff -Is that you Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? Grunts -Hey! Snickers -Oh no no no Dead broad off the table -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken -Huh? Gasps Male voice What? -I live in a swamp I put up signs I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh no No! No! Cackling -What? - Quit it -Don't push Squeaking Lows - What are you doing in my swamp? Echoing Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! Gasping -Oh dear! -Whoa! -All right get out of here All of you move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly Come on! -No no! No no Not there Not there -Oh! Sighs -Hey don't look at me I didn't invite them -Oh gosh no one invited us -What? -We were forced to come here -By who? -Lord Farquaad -He huffed und he puffed und he signed an eviction notice Sighs -All right Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Murmuring -Oh I do I know where he is -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh pick me! Oh I know! I know! Me me! Sighs -Okay fine Attention all fairy tale things Do not get comfortable Your welcome is officially worn out In fact I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! Cheering Twittering -Oh! You! You're comin' with me - All right that's what I like to hear man Shrek and Donkey two stalwart friends off on a whirlwind big-city adventure I love it! -On the road again Sing it with me Shrek -Hey Oh oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No -Can I hum it? -All right hum it Humming Grunts Whimpering -That's enough He's ready to talk Coughing Laughing Clears throat -Run run run as fast as you can You can't catch me I'm the gingerbread man! -You know the muffin man who lives on Drury Lane? -Well she's married to the muffin man -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man Door opens -My lord! We found it -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in Man grunting Gasping -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! Gingerbread man whispers -Evening Mirror mirror on the wall Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well technically you're not a king -Uh Thelonius -You were saying? -What I mean is you're not a king yet But you can become one AIl you have to do is marry a princess -Go on Chuckles -So just sit back and relax my lord because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far far away She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters Please welcome Cinderella -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy Although she lives irrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that coo! you off She's a loaded pistoi who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain Yours for the rescuing Princess Fiona! -So will it be bachelorette number one bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? Shudders Three? --Three! Pick number three my lord! -Okay okay uh number three! -Lord Farquaad you've chosen Princess Fiona If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona If you're not into voga -She's perfect All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night -I'll do it -Yes but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make e's compensating for something? Laughs Groans -Hey wait Wait up Shrek -Hurry darling We're late Hurry -Hey you! Screams -Wait a second Look I'm not gonna eat you I just - - I just - - Whimpering Sighs Whimpering Groans Turnstile clatters Chuckles Sighs -It's quiet Too quiet Creaking -Where is everybody? -Hey look at this! Clattering whirring clicking Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves stay in line And we'l! get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes wipe your face Duloc is DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place Camera shutter clicks Whirring -Wow! Let's do that again! -No No No no no! No Trumpet fanfare Crowd cheering -Brave knights -You are the best and brightest in all the land -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right You're going the right way for a smacked bottom -Sorry about that Cheering -That champion shall have the honour - - no no -- the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful the first runner-up will take his place your breath certainly will get the job done 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose just like the time - - Mumbling Than l ate some rotten berries I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day -Why the others? -Eat me! Grunts -I've tried to be fair to you creatures Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or l'll - - -No no not the buttons Not my gumdrop buttons -All right then Who's hiding them? -Okay I'll tell you Do you know the muffin an? -The muffin man? -The muffin man -Yes are a monster -I'm not the monster here You are You and the rest of that tale trash poisoning my perfect world Now tell me! Where with seven other men she's not easy Just kiss her dead frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is Come on Give it up for Snow White! -And last but certainly not last bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarde ci this Princess Fiona my queen and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain assemble your finest men We're going to have a tournament -But that's it That's it right there That's DuLoc I told ya l'd find it -So that must be Lord Farquaad's castle -Uh-huh That's the place -Do you think mayl and so on and so forth Some of you may die but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make Cheering -Let the tournament begin! Gasps -Oh! -What is that? Gasping -It's hideous! -Ah that's not very nice It's just a donkey -Indeed Knights new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh hey! Now come on! Hang on now -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then Come on! I don't give a damn about my can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh no no no no no Not me Me me me -Hey Shrek tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! Laughs And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh no no no no no Not me Me me me Oh no no no no no Not me not me Bell dings Cheering Laughs -Oh yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday Try the veal! Ha ha! Shrek laughs Crowd gasping murmuring -Shall I give the order sir? -No I have a better idea People of DuLoc I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations ogre You're won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest Quest? I'm already in a quest a quest to get my swamp back -Your swamp? -Yeah my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! Crowd murmuring -Indeed All right ogre I'll make you a deal Go on this quest for me and I'll give you your swamp back -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool -And the squatters? -As good as gone -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk -I don't get it Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him lay siege to his fortress grinds his bones to make your bread the whole ogre trip -Oh I know what Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike gotten a knife cut open their spleen and drink their fluids Does that sound good to you? -Uh no not really no -For your information there's a lot more to ogres than people think -Example? -Example? Okay um ogres are like onions -Sniffs They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry -No! -You leave them in the sun they get all brown start sproutin' little white hairs -No! Layers! Onions have layers Ogres have layers! Onions have layers You get it? We both have layers Sighs -Oh you both have layers Oh Sniffs You know not everybody likes onions Cake! Everybody loves on the whole damn planet -You know I thinkl preferred your humming Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess Just the word parfait make me start slobbering I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huhuh-huh uh-huh uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huhuh-huh uh-huh uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Oh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off My mouth was open Believe me Donkey if it was me you'd be dead Sniffs It's brimstone We must be getting close -Yeah right brimstone Don't be talking about it's the brimstone I know what I smell It wasn't no brimstone It didn't come off no stone neither Rumbling -Sure it's big enough but look at the location Laughing -Uh Shrek? Uh remember when you said ogres have layers? -Oh aye -Well I have a bit of a confession to make Donkeys don't have layers We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves -Wait a second y I'm right here beside ya okay? For emotional support well just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time -Really? -Really really -Okay that makes me feel so much better -Just keep moving And don't look down -Okay don't look down Don't look down Don't look down Keep on moving Don't look down Gasps -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh God I can't do this! Just let me off please! -But you're already halfway -But I know that half is safe! -Okay fine I don't have time for this You go back -Shrek no! Wait! -Just Donkey - - Let's have a dance then shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh I'm sorry Do what? -Oh this? -Yes that! -Yes? Yes do it Okay Screams -No Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it -I'm gonna die I'm gonna die Shrek I'm gonna die Oh! -That'll do Donkey That'll do -Cool -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside waiting for us to rescue her Chuckles -I was talkin' about the dragon Shrek Water dripping wind howling -You afraid? -No -But - - - Shh -Oh good Me neither Gasps -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation Unfamiliar dangerous situation I might add With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared I sure as heck ain't no coward I know that Gasps -Donkey two things okay? Shut up Now go over there and see you can find any stairs -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower -What makes you think sheIl be there? -I read it in a book once -Cool You handle the dragon I'll handle the stairs I'll find those stairs I'll whip their butt too Those stairs won't know which way they're goin' Creaking -l'm gonna take drastic steps Kick it to the curb Don't mess with me I'm the stair master I've mastered the stairs I wish I had a step right here Il'd step all over it -Well at least wwe know where the princess is but where's the - - -Dragon! ScreamsGasps Roars -Donkey look out! Screams Whimpering -Got ya! RoarsGasps Shouts -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Screaming Gasps -Oh! Aah! Aah! Gasping Crowls -No Oh no No! Screams-Oh what large teeth you have Crowls -l mean white sparkling teeth I know you probably hear this all time from your food but you must bleach 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there Do i detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh sure! I mean of course you're a girl dragon You're just reeking of feminine beauty What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Oh Oh Oh Man I'd really love to stay but you know I'm uh - - Coughs -l'm an asthmatic and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings Shrek! Gasps Whimpering -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Groans Sighs Vocalizing -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -l am awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me -Oh that's nice Now let's go! -But wait Sir Knight This be-ith our first meeting Should it not be a wonderful romantic moment? -Yeah sorry lady There's no time -Hey wait What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed -You've had a lot of time to plan this haven't you? -Mm-hmm Screams grunts -But we have to savour this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um Shrek -Sir Shrek Cleans throat - pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude -Thanks! Roaring -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list Now come on! Screams - But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in sword drawn banner flying That's what all the other knights did -Yeah right before they burst into flame -That's not the point Oh! -Wait Where are you going? The next's over there -Well I have to save my ass -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind -Slow down Slow down baby please I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time Just call me old-fashioned Laughs -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of uh this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for Magnitude- - Hey that is unwanted physical contact Hey what are you doing? Okay okay Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals I'm on the road a lot but I just love ieceiving cards - - l'd really love to stay but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail You're gonna tear it off I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey now No way No! No! No no! No No no no No! Oh! Growls Roaring Gasps -Hi Princess! -It talks! -Yeah it's getting him to shut up that's the trick Screams Screaming -Oh! Thuds Groans Roars Roaring -Okay you two heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon Echoing -Run! Gasping Screaming Roaring Screams Roars Panting sighs Whimpers Roars -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing You're - - You're wonderful You're a little unorthodox I'll admit But they deed is great and thine heart is pure I am eternally in your debt Clears throat -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that She called me a noble steed She think I'm a steed -The battle is won You may remove your helmet good Sin Knight -Uh no -Why not? -i have helmet hair -Please I wouldn't look upon the face of my rescuer -No no you wouldn't - - 'nt -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description -Maybe it's a perk -No it's destiny Oh you must know how it goes A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight and then they share true love's first kiss -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait Wait You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well yes Laughing -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your type okay? -Of course you are You're my rescuer Now - - Now remove your helmet -Look I really don't think this is a good idea -Just take off the helmet -l'm not going to -Take it off -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy As you command Your Highness -You- - You're a- -an ogre -Oh you were expecting Prince Charming -Well yes actually Oh no This is all wrong You're not supposed to be an ogre Sighs -Princess I was sent toesue you by Lord Farquaad okay? He is the one who wants to marry you -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question You should ask him that when we get there - But I have to be rescued by my true love not by some ogre and his- - his pet -So much for noble steed -You're not making my job any easier -l'm sorry but yourjob is not my problem You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly I'll be waiting for him right here -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy al right? ma delivery boy -You wouldn't dare Put me down! -Ya comin' Donkey? -l'm right behind ya -Put me down or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put Hey! Sighs -The sooner we get to Duloc the better -You're gonna love it there Princess It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me when you see him tomorrow -Tomorrow? It'l! take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No that'll take longer We can keep going -But there's robbers in the woods -Whoa! Time out Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good -Hey come on I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest -I need to find somewhere to camp now! Birds wings fluttering Grunting -Hey! Over here -Shrek we can do better than that I don't think this is fit for a princess -No no it's perfect It just neeu a fe homey touches -Homey touches? Like what? Crashing -A door? Well gentlemen I bid thee good night -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will -I said good night! - know you're making this up -No look There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench - There's just ne and my swamp The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land -You cut me deep Shrek You cut me real deep just now You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out -No do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind Donkey -Oh this is another one of those onion things isn't it? -No this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -l'm not blocking -Oh yes you are -Donkey I'm warning you -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh now we're gettin' somewhere -Oh! For the go Aah! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre! They judge me before they even know me That's why 'm betteroff alo ne -You know what? When we met I didn't think you was just a big stupid ugly ogre -Yeah I know -So uh are there any donkeys up there? -Well there's um Gabby the princess -Hmph -Ah Perfect Inhales Snoring Vocalizing Whistling Sizzling Sniffs yawi s -Mrmm yeah you know I like it like that --Come on baby I saidI like it -Donkey wake up -Huh? What? -Wake up -What? -Good morning Hm how do you like your eggs? -Good morning Princess! -What's all this about? -You know we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday I wanted to make it up to you I mean after all you did rescue me -Uh thanks Sniffs -Well eat up We've got a big day ahead of us Belches -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment Better out than in I always say Lau hs it's no way to behave in front of a princess Belches -Thanks -She's as nasty as you are -Laughs You know you're not exactly what I expected -Well maybe you shouldn't judge ok pal I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of course! Oh how rude Please let me introduce myself Oh Merry Men Laughs Accordion Ta dah dah dah whoo I steal from the rich and give to the needy He takes a wee percentage But I'm not greedy I rescue pretty damsels Man I'm good What a guy Monsieur Hood Break it down! like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad hat's bad When aeauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really really mad l'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your ees on me boys 'cause I'm ha wa amazing! Where id you learn that? -Well - - Chuckles When one lives alone uh one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh would you look at that? -Oh no This is all my fault I'm so sorry -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt -Shrek's hurt Shrek's hurt? Oh no Shrek's gonna die -Donkey I'm okay -You can't do this to me Sek ! a too young for you to die Keep you legs elevated Turn your head and cough Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Lney! Ca Im down If yoou want to help Shrek run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns -Blue flower red thorns Okay I'm on it Blue flower red thorns Don't die Shrek If you see a long tunnel stay away from the light! -Both Donkey! -Oh yeah Right Blue flower red thorns -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey -Ah -Now you hold still and l'll yank this thing out -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin' -I'm sorry but it has to come out -No it's tender -Now hold on -what you're doing is the opposite of help -Don't move -Look time out -Would you - - Grunts -Okay What do you propose we do? -Blue flower red thorns Blue flower red thorns Blue y? -Oh come on! That's the last thing on my mind The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey what's that? Nervous chuckle -That's- - Is that blood? Sighs Bird a-la lz-la-la-la Both laughing La-la la-la la-la -There it is Princess Your future awaits you -That's Duloc? -Yeah I know You know Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um I uh- - I guess we better move on -Sure But Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey Blubbering -What? -l mean look at him He doesn't look so good -What are you talking about? I'm fine -That's what they always say and then next thing you know naro on your back Dead -You know she's right You look awful Do you want to sit down? -Uh you know I'll make you some tea -I didn't want to say nothin' but I got this twinge in my neck and when I turn my head like this look Bones crunch -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner -l'll get the firewood -Hey where you goin'? Oh man I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug -Mmm This is good This is really good What is this? -Uh weedrat Roti se style-No kı 'aing Well this is delicious -Well they're also great in stews Now I don't mean to brag but I make a mean weedrat stew ChucklingSighs -l guess I'll be dining a was wondering Just remember darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me Sighs -Are you gonna eat that? Chuckles -Man isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset - night Door creaks -Oh! NowI really see what's goin' on here -Oh what are you talkin' about? -l don't even wanna hear it Look I'm an animal and I got instincts she's a princess and l'm - - -An ogre? -Yeah An ogre -Hey where you goin'?-To get move firewood Sighs -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess where are you? Wings 'key! -Lisen keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh -Shrek! -This is me Muffled mumbling -Princess? What happened to you? You're uh uh vcay another This shall be the norm until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form -Ah that's beautiful I didn't know you wrote poetry -It's a night Shrek's ugly 24-7 -But Donkey I'm a princess and this is not rad thought of you because it's pretty and -- well I don't really like it butI thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty But I like you anyway I'd -- uh uh - - Sighs - 0 -Do it you see Donkey? That's just how it has to be It's the only way to break the spell -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth -No! You can't breathe a word No one must ever know -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell Promise! -All right all right I won't tell him But you should I just know before this is over I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy -Look at my eye twitchin' Door opens Snoring -I tell him I tell him not I tel! him I tell him not I tell him -Shrek! Shrek there's something I want - - Snoring -Shrek Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you -You don't have to tell me anything Princess I heard enough last night -You heard what I said? -Every word -I thought you'd understand -Oh I understand Like you said Who could love a hideous ugly beast? -ButI thought that wouldn't matter to you -Yeah? Well it does Gasps sighs -Ah right on time Horse whinnies -Princess I've brought you a little something Fanfare Yawns -What'd I miss? What'd i miss? Muffled -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey -Princess Fiona -As agreed -Take it and go before I change my mind -Forgive me Princess for startling you but you starded me for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before I'm Lord Farquaad -Lord Farquaad? Oh no no Snaps fingers -Forgive me my lord for I was just saying a shor farewell -Oh that is so sweet You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre It's not like it has feelings -No you're right It doesn't - reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! Whinnying A girl cakes! Cakes have layers -I don't care what everyone likes Ogres are not like cakes -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits Have you ever met a person you say Let's get some parfait they say No I don't like no parfait? Parfaits are delicious -No! You dense irritating miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story Bye-bye See ya later -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing Donkeys don't have sleeves -You know what I mean -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on D me down! -Okay so here's another question Say there's a woman that digs you right but you don't really like her that way How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love Everyone knows what happens when you find y put it this way Princess Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply Laughs -l don't know There are those who think little of him -Stop it Stop it both of you You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad -Yeah well maybe you're right Princess But I'll let you do the measurin Shrek what are you doing? Laughs -I just- - You know - -Oh come on I was just kidding Fire cracking -And uh that one that's Throwback the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields Right Yeah -Hay can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future Donkey They tell stories Look there's Bloodnut the Flatulent You can guess what he's famous for That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots -You know Donkey sometimes things are more than they appear Hmm? Forget it Sighs -Hey Shrek what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Ou svamp? You know when we're through rescuing the princess -We? Donkey there's no we There's no love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look I'm not the one with the problem okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me People take one look at me an the Small and Annoying -Okay okay I see it now The big shiny one right there That one there? -That's the moon -Oh okay Orchestra Dulcimer -Again show me again Mirror mirror show her to m Show people before you get to know them Vocalizing -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! Laughs -What are you doing? -Be still mon cherie for I am you saviour! And l am rescuing you from this green- Kissingrounds -lbuast -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here about to start Grunts Groans Karate Yell Merry Men Gasping Panting -Man that was annoying! -Oh you little- - Karate Ye!l Accordion Shouting groaning Chuckles -Uh shall we d the phone Grunts Oh! Whoa whoa whoa Hold on now Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there - flower red thorns This would be so much easier if I wasn't colour-blind! Blue flower red thorns -Ow! -Hold on Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good -Okay Okay I can nearly see the head Grunts -It's just about - - -Ow! Oh! -Ahem -Nothing happened We were just uh - - -Look if you wanted to be alone all you had chirping Grunts My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean Croaks Oh oh oh-sh-o was ask O Hey! La-l little differently tomorrow night Gulps -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime I'll cook all kind of stuff for you Swamp toad soup fisheye tartare - - you name it Chuckles -l'd like that Slurps laughs See the pyramids along the Nile -Um Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes hre Sunset? -Oh no! I mean it's late I-It's very late -What? -Wait a minute I see what's goin' on here You're afraid of the dark aren't you? -Yes! Yes that's it I'm terrified You know I'd better go inside -Don't feel bad Princess I used to be afraid of the dark too until - - Hey no wait I'm still afraid of the dark Shek sighsGo d igh And I know you two were diggin' on each other I could feel it -You're crazy I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad -Oh come on Shrek Wake up and smell the pheromones Just go on in and tell her how you feel -I- - There's nothing to tell Besides even if I did tell her that well you know -- and I'm not sayin' 'de - fluttering -Princess? Creaking Gasps -It's very spooky in here I ain't playing no games Screams -Aah! -Oh no! -No help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No it's okay It's okay -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey I'm the princess -Aah! -It's me in this body -Oh my God! You ate the princess Can you hea uh different -l'm ugly okay? -Well yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea You are what you eat I said Now - - -No -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember -What do you mean? Look I ain't never seen you like this before -It's only happens when sun goeS do spell Sighs -When I was a little girl a witch cast a spell on me Every night I become this This horrible ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to avwait the day my true love would rescue me That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this Sobs -All right all right Calm how a princess is meant to look -Princess how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -l have to Only my true love's kiss can break the spell -But you know um you're kind of an ogre and Shrek - - well you got a lot in common -Shrek? -Princess I - - Uh how's it going first of all? Good? Um good for me too I'm kay i s 1r thflow I'm in trouble Okay here we go -l can't just marry whoever I want Take a good look at me Donkey I mean really who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? Princess and ugly don't go together That's why I can't stay here with Shrek Gasps -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my ISE By ek it's oa that bad You' re not that ugly Well I ain't gonna lie You are ugly But you only look like this at Dee promised Now hand it over -Very well ogre The deed to your swamp cleared out as Princess Fiona beautiful fair flawless Fiona I ask your hand in marriage Gasps -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad I accept Nothing would make -- -Excellent! I'll start the plans for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean uh why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets -Oh anxious are you? You're right The sooner the better There's so much to do! There's the caterer the cake the band the guest list Captain round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well ogre -Shrek what are you doing? You're letting her get away -Yeah? So what? -Shrek there's something about her you don't know Look I talked to her last night She's - - -I know you talked to her last night You're great pals aren't ya? Now if you two are such good friends why don't you follow her home? -Shrek I - - I wanna go with you -I told you didn't l? You're not coming home with me I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless pathetic annoying talking donkeys! -But I thought---Yeah You know what? You thought wrong! -Shrek I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music do ya It goes like this the fourth the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah hallelujah Baby I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you Moaning And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Moaning Hallelujah hallelujah Thumping sound -Donkey? Grunts -What are you doing? -I would think of all people you would recognize a wall when you see one -Well yeah But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp not through it -It is around your half See that's your half and this is my half -Oh! Your half Hmm -Yes my half I helped rescue the princess I did half the work I get half the booty Now hand me that big old rock the one that looks like your head -Back off! -No you back off -This is my swamp! -Our swamp -Let go Donkey! -You let go -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly ogre -Fine! -Hey hey come back here I'm not through with you yet -Well I'm through with you -Uh-uh You know with you it's always Me me me! Well guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away -Oh yeah? Well if i treated you so bad how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh yeah You're right Donkey I forgive you for stabbin' me in the back! -Oh! You're so wrapped up in layers onion boy you're afraid of your own feelings -Go away! - There you are doing it again just like you did to Fiona All she ever do was like you maybe even love you -Love me? She said I was ugly a hideous creature I heard the two of you talking -She wasn't talkin' about you She was t kin' about uh somebody else -She wasn't talking about me? Well then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh no way I ain't saying anything You don't wanna listen to me Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay look I'm sorry all right? Sighs -I'm sorry I guess I am just a big stupid ugly ogre Can you forgive me? -Hey that's what friends are for right? -Right Friends? -Friends -So um what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'l! never make it in time -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear for where there's a will there's a way and I have a way Whistles -Donkey? -l guess it's just my animal magnetism Laughing -Aw come here you -All right all right Don't get all slobbery No one likes a kiss ass All right hop on and hold on tight I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet -Whoo! Bells tolling All gasping -People of Du Loc we gather here today to bear witness to the union -Um- -of our new king - --Excuse me Could we just skip ahead to the I do's? Chuckling -Go on -Go ahead HAVE SOME FUN If we need you I'll whistle How about that? Shrek wait wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for The preacher's gonna say Speak now or forever hold your peace That's when you say I object! -I don't have time for this! -Hey wait What are you doing? Listen to me! Look you love this woman don't you? -Yes -You wanna hold her? -Yes -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to got to try a little tenderness The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out -And so by the power vested in me -What do you see? -The whole town's in there -I now pronounce you husband and wife -They're at the altar -king and queen -Mother Fletcher! He already said it -Oh for the love of Pete! Grunts -l object! -Shrek? Gasps -Oh now what does he want? -Hi everyone Havin' a good time are ya? ! love DuLoc first at all Very clean -What are you doing here? -Really it's rude enough being alive when no one wanis you but showring up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you -Oh now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that so if you'll excuse me - -- But you can't marry him -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king -Outrageous! Fiona don't listen to him -He's not your true iove -And what do you know about true love? -Weil I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh this is precious The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh good Lord Crowd laughing -An ogre and a princess! -Shrek is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona my love we're but a kiss away from our happily ever after Now kiss me! Mmmmm! -By night one way by day another I wanted to show you before Whimpers Crown gasping -Well uh that explains a lot -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing This marriage is binding and that makes me king! See? See? -No let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there you morons -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -l'll make you regret the day we met I'll see you drawn Me irl Meme


All Star

Being alone

Another one







found ON 2019-08-15 18:39:10 BY

source: reddit